Love in The Attic

Sorry I'm Back

2007-10-10T20:12:00.000+08:00

Have been Facebooking for quite a while now..
It's addictive if you get the hang of it! CLICK TO VIEW ME IN FACEBOOK.

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Going down to Eastwest Imaging tomorrow for auditions.

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The following is purely fictitious:

Alone in the fucking darkness I shiver. I was left there with my soggy skin (the aftermath of soaking in the bathtub for more then an hour) If there's even anything left, it would be the hate that seems ever so omnipresent. It doesn't matter that I'm even here anyway. The only thing I could not withstand would be the fact that this room that we've painted together could actually bring about that much hate and heartache. So tell me now, how do I unbreak? With the lights out, I can feel everything flowing naturally, without having to put on an act for fear of how others may perceive you. Look, the floor's pretty much filled with this salty liquid I call hurt.

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Sorry ah. Very long never write anything with me using my brains. At least I'd have to think of how hurt the person above may feel to write that piece of crap. Boo. Going back to Facebook now.

Evil People Exist

2007-10-09T20:11:00.000+08:00

Hello I'm blogging for this one cute good best sexy pal of mine. (Infer yourself) even if Im damn tired after the photoshoot. (Photos will be posted ASAP)

Hello Girl, I got rather dissed myself after reading the post. And it's like, what a two faced person she'd become(at least to me because her image will never really be tainted in your eyes). For so many years now... after so many partners... you're still blindly following the trails she leaves behind every now and then. Even if you manage to trick us all into believing you've gotten over her, you'd still be lying to yourself!! I bet there are more of them out there worthy of your Love.. Someone who wouldn't make you stand guard for so many years, only to tell you that she's no longer with you.

I love you girl, please don't be hurt anymore.

HIATUS

2007-10-04T15:22:00.000+08:00

Im gonna be inactive for about 1 month. So don't bother visiting Until 17th November! :D

I LOVE YOU BABY! 4th Nov 2006 Y

Happy Chickens' Day

2007-10-01T14:28:00.000+08:00

Wanna know why it isn't Happy Childrens' Day? Cos the Chicken ate the Child!

Was surfing the net for pictures of Cosfest 2007.. Then I came across these..

Chicken Little & Chucky(?)

LMAO THIS GOT ME LAUGHING LIKE INSANE

Anyway, screw~ I've got nothing to blog about today, wait. *Draws brainstorming map* I'm kind of showing Pre-Menstrual Symptoms recently. Even the slightest, most insignificant things bother me, like a few minutes ago I left my glass in the basin, not wanting to wash it, but something inside my head wanted me to, and after around 15 minutes of deliberating to or not to wash the glass, I went back to the basin. So lame.
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Lets talk about Love and Bisexuality today:

Personally, I dislike watching local dramas (for those who know the reason why, good for you, for those who don't, read on) because I've always find them resembling whiny soap dramas. And it gets on my nerves. A B but B s C and A and C are blood siblings et cetera. And even if there were any concerns about kinship it'd have been a shabby rendition. Love is fucking overrated, don't anybody agree with me? URGH. I guess its this belief that keeps me from talking about my Boyfriend all the time. So please spare me all rhapsodies of love. I may listen, but just condescendingly.

I've noticed a trend of girls who actually find promulgating their sexual preference of being lesbian/bisexual cool or whatsoever, although I had been in a relationship with a female too, but I've never found it anywhere near intersecting the circle of "Cool". To be honest, I was rather ashamed of myself for the acts that I've done that I'd always find against the laws of nature. The two of us used to hide at her house and watch movies because I'd never liked the stares of others when we are out holding each others' hands. And for that sole reason we broke up. I thought it was pretty stupid though.

JUST TO LET YOU GIRLS KNOW, IT ISN'T FUN TO TELL THE WHOLE GODDAMN WHOLE THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING LESBO/BI. IT AIN'T COOL~~~ (Screw me. I think this is kind of pointed at the girl I'm talking about in my Sept30th post too. Jiaying, you know who? ^^)

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P/S: The cosplayers here damn hardcore~ http://kirinon.exblog.jp/

Hello Sarcasm

2007-09-30T12:39:00.000+08:00

Well, although 100-200 hits per day isn't that a big deal, but it beats having like 40+ hits per day, duh. No It doesn't matter that you've got almost NO readers, but................ misleading people into thinking you're widely popular with your words? Totally nauseating. The things you write about? I could easily sum it up with one word- Juvenile! So now, please make your ignominious retreat before you get abraded by all your shameful deeds.

An Involuntary Consensus

2007-09-29T21:48:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had an experience whereby you're watching one of your favourite band's concert and suddenly somewhere in your heart you feel like you're running a fucking marathon? I felt those very emotions just a couple of hours ago. Why'd you have to leave? Now I'd have to admit, sometimes I do think the same way as Watermelon. You've been so foolish. Do you have any idea how it feels like, to be the idol of MILLIONS, and then in your fucking stupid drunken stupor you'd leave this life that was at its prime? Unbeknownst to you, you've turned into more than an idol for some that when you'd decided to irresponsibly finish breathing your last breath, four of us would follow the very steps that you took? Xjapan was one of the pioneers of Visual Kei, the band was crowned as Legendary, and although it disbanded, Yoshiki and you were looking forward to a new X in the coming year 2000! What was most hurting would be how Yoshiki broke down at your funeral, how they'd sing Forever Love, wishing you'd hear them..

How could you bear leaving the two people who bought you your first Gibson? Your only way of saying goodbye was just this fucking song, "Goodbye".

I've unwittingly fallen in love with this man that had left 9 years ago.

Nostalgia (1)

2007-09-29T19:01:00.000+08:00

Deleting stuff from my Photobucket.. then I came across these pictures~

My first time at painting (2005)~

(2006)

PS/ I miss you Goh Jing Yi. haha

Hideto Matsumoto 松本秀人

2007-09-28T18:40:00.001+08:00

On December 13, 1964, Hideto Matsumoto was born in Kanagawa, Yokohama Japan. From young, hide loved the guitar. He was the member of Saver Tiger, X, X Japan, hide with Spread Beaver and Zilch. Undoubtfully one of the greatest guitarist in Japanese Rock history, and his voice is also unique and cannot be imitated.

When he got enrolled in primary school, hide was overweight (almost weighing twice the amount as his peers) , and was often the subject of derision. Somewhat of an outcast, he kept mainly to himself. hide was teased and expelled by his classmates, so much so that he was determined to lose weight. During the process, he found that personal responsibilities were more important than other's opinion, and that made him a bit egocentric, reluctant to open himself up to others. hide's parent made him participate in many hobbies like piano, calligraphy and so on. However, hide did not enjoy his childhood much.

In secondary II, hide's love for rock music grew after listening to Kiss, a European Heavy metal band, and went over to America to learn, and that was when he first got into metal music. In Secondary III, hide bought his first guitar. It was a Gibson, and he loved it so much, he would often bring it with him to school, thereby earning the nickname 'Gibson' from his classmates.

When hide got back to Japan, he started the band 'Saver Tiger' but was banned by the school, so they went to live houses in Tokyo to perform in public. They only produced a few demo tapes though, before they disbanded. Oddly enough, even with his obvious skill and ease with the guitar. however, Saver Tiger was not going well. Members kept joining and leaving, and hide was too strict to other members. As hide was not a sociable person, the members lacked coordination and disagreements often surface. Finally, Saver Tiger broke up. The failure of Saver Tiger turned hide away from his dream of a musical career. hide then attended a beauty school, where he studied to become a hairdresser, inspired by his grandmother, who was the town's hairdresser at that time.

Not long after he graduated, hide received a phone call from Hayashi Yoshiki, asking him to be their band's guitarist since Yoshiki's band was facing serious problems due to the loss of members itself. hide agreed, and in 1987 he joined the band X, later to become the infamous X-Japan, in which the music touched many hearts, and led many others to partake in a musical career. hide's younger brother became his chauffeur, and would often cook his meals for him. hide once said that he didn't like to work or learn, nor did he enjoy any sports, though he did like to watch wrestling on TV.

From 1987 until joining sony in march of 1988 were the toughest days of X. Late 80's japanese music scene was dominated by idols, and visual bands like X were merely ignored. They had little earnings and at the same time they had to promote their works to the public. At times, they were so broke that they had to walk 3-4 km home and share two cup noodles between the 5 of them. During those harsh days, hide found his true friends and managed to strive through that period.

Signing with Sony in 1988 was a turning point for X. They were supported financially and they quickly gained popularity. Their major releases in 1989, including "Blue Blood" and "Endless Rain", were unexpectedly popular. However, lack of rapport among members seems to be an universal problem among all rock bands. Bassist Taiji left the band on 31th Jan 1992, who was replaced by Heath. August 1992, Yoshiki suggested to change the name from X to "X Japan", aiming at international market. Although hide accepted the new name, he thought X was not yet strong enough to expand out of japan.

X Japan boomed in the 90s and gained its position as one of the legendary rock bands in japan. However, disagreements among members seemed to grow deeper and deeper. Members focused on solo works instead of X Japan. Finally, tragic news broke out on 22nd Sept 1997: X Japan was disbanded. the claimed reason was that Toshi felt like he was treated unfairly; however, this serves as an example of their every disagreement.

After X Japan, hide focused on solo works. He wrote his own music and lyrics, and sang his songs with his unique voice. on 22nd May 1996, hide opened his production company "LEMONed", which aimed at bringing up new potential rock bands and gathering fans of hide. before his death, hide was focusing on two bands, namely, "hide with Spread Beaver" and "Zilch".

On May 2, 1998 at around 8:32 in the morning, hide died. He had returned to his apartment at approximately 6:30am, and was very drunk too. He was found by his roommate, with one end of a bath towel wrapped around his neck, the other on the doorknob. He was taken to the hospital, but it was too late. hide passed away that morning. The police wrote it as a suicide on his death certificate, but I, along with many others refuse to believe that. hide had too many things going for him at that time. X-Japan had disbanded the year before when their vocalist, Toshi, left. After that, hide, who had already been working on his solo carrier with other bands was planning on going on tour that summer. He had already released two CD's, hide Your Face, and Rocket Drive. He also performed with Spread Beaver and Zilch. And, just earlier, hide and Yoshiki had been talking of starting a new X in 2000, and hide had been ecstatic about it.

Another thing was said, that many guitarists often get pains in their neck and upper back. A way to relieve this is to pull the neck back. hide would often do this at home, with a bath towel and a doorknob. That morning, when hide got home, he had been using this method, but had fallen asleep due to the effects of alcohol, never to wake again, inadvertently committing involuntary suicide.

It was known, that while drunk, hide would do many things he would regret later on, and never do while sober. He would often come to Yoshiki afterwards, and apologize whilst asking about what he had done the night before. He had even once said he scared himself while drunk.

hide had been in two serious accidents, one breaking his skull, the other, his ankles. Both occurred while he was drunk.

A ceremony was held for hide's funeral, in which all the roads the hearse passed through were closed off, and thousands of fans lined the streets. It was a sad day for all of Japan, and many people all over the world who hide and X-Japan influenced. Police arranged helicopters, boats and more than 100 officers to the temple. 170 private security guards were hired to keep things in order. the line of fans stretched down the street for about a kilometer from the temple gates. Some of the fans felt sick after being crushed by the crowd, and some collapsed due to emotional sadness. There were 4 attempted suicides due to hide's death, in which 2 girls died.

Tsukiji Honganji, A temple in Tokyo where they put hide, Yoshiki gave a speech to support the fans. It was hard for him, and all those that looked on. His hand which held the paper was shaking greatly, and he could hardly speak, for his voice was choked with tears. Where the funeral was held, hide's guitars were lined up and put on display. They can now be viewed, along with his cars and other such possessions in a museum in Tokyo.

Things he'd done to contribute to the society:

In 1995, hide went to meet with a fan who suffered from Periphal Nerve Regenerative Disorder. There are only a few people in the world with a serious case of this disease. The following year, in 1996, hide registered for a bone marrow transplant, and was accepted.

There was another instance in where hide helped out a fan. One such suffered from Aids. The boy had drawn a picture for hide. hide went to visit him and the family. They gave him the picture, and he put it on a shirt. Often, he would be seen wearing this shirt during concerts. hide, along with the rest of X-Japan were major supporters in helping those with Aids.

你比从前快乐-周杰伦

2007-09-28T12:03:00.000+08:00

走在熙来攘往的街头
你不再牵箸我的手
小心翼翼的将你小拍勾
泪也小心翼翼的流
有些事情你在瞒箸我
你终于还是开了口
淡淡一句还是朋友
泪也如刀割
知道手后你不过
你比从前快乐
那祝福的话叫我如何能够说的出口
那过往的欢乐是否褪色
想问你怎么舍得
不要在耳边再说你会想我

Goodbye, nevertheless.

2007-09-23T11:33:00.000+08:00

Emotions over-supressed.

Your job's only advantage that it gives us time to breathe. In fact, too much time. Would you do what you did for (tooot~) for me? Critical hit minus 200HP. I'm slicing myself up today. Come home now, baby come home. Save me. "Gone into the wind of sadness" Bring me the second stick, the time it burns out might be a little longer. Apparently, our consensus had not even had any effect at all. My masochistic personality would be what backfires every plan we'd come up with in the future.

Kind of tired of the mundane things I follow on a daily routine. Wake up at 8.30am (to wake Baby up for work) and then going back to sleep until someone or something tempts me to wake up. Make my own lunch, my own snacks, my own dinner. And rot away at home until he comes back at about 10.30pm.

Thank god for classmates who love mahjong as much as I do, the ones who'd bother to spare me some warmth. Namely Huisan, Vincey, Horsey, Ruby, Sheldy. TYTY~

你很愛他- F.I.R

當你決定你要離開我
我沒有說什麼就當作你自由

有好幾次我都想挽留
哭求也沒有用就當作是寂寞

因為我能明白他的溫柔對你是種解脫
就坦白告訴我誰是你的最愛

其實你很愛他對我的懲罰
說你沒有想他是可憐我吧
我已沒有藉口只能放手
不敢奢求你說愛我

其實你很愛他他很溫柔嗎
其實你很想他就說出口吧
我已不想多說摀住耳朵
不想再次聽到你說你很愛他

有好幾次我都想挽留
哭求也沒有用就當作是寂寞

因為我能明白他的溫柔對你是種解脫
就坦白告訴我誰是你的最愛

其實你很愛他對我的懲罰
說你沒有想他是可憐我吧
我已沒有藉口只能放手
不敢奢求你說愛我

其實你很愛他他很溫柔嗎
其實你很想他就說出口吧
我已不想多說摀住耳朵
不想再次聽到你說你很愛他

The Guardian

2007-09-21T15:25:00.000+08:00

Like I've always been saying, this isn't Love. This is dependence. A shelter above my head for close to a year now. A place I would escape to whenever I needed to breathe. If not for the guardians of law that seperates me from freedom, I would have left everything I held dear for an unknown future. I'm re-evaluating our relationship. We've drifted apart now, or is it just the demons in my head, trying to pull me back into my world of ME? Whatever the case, I miss the warmth your hugs used to offer just a few months back.

Everytime I stray from the path of sanity, you pull me back. My losing of temper was what made me realise your love for me that has grown so gradually but surely. But I prefer a man I have to please rather then a man who pleases me. I'll still love you though.

YE' OF LITTLE FAITH

2007-09-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

Your very existence annoys me. Go away with your ego, it's filling the lift up. Make space for me, you bloody fuckface. I'd rather be Tiffany then Jennifer and get Glen & Glenda as homosapiens. I'd play with your intestines and dig it out. "Drop dead", you told him. You unfeeling bitch.

I was the one who'd bestowed upon you the tab of awakening. Now you recite it with so much faith but end those lives you've recreated with your very own hands. Darling, you're a killer.

(Read: Seed of Chucky)

DATES

2007-09-03T20:33:00.000+08:00

61 days to a year.
3 more days to TT's Bday.
3 months and 20 days to Robin BACK IN SG.

PS/I need to get hide's guitar.

A couple of months to blast off

2007-08-30T14:53:00.001+08:00

65 days to a year with my TT <3
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For you, if you know who you are:

Whatever it is, it's over. Or should I say, It's fallen back into what it was two years ago. No more replaying of scenes. More often then not I find myself retreating into this cave of solitude. I miss you and I want you to know it but my ego binds me against the pole, so far away from where you are. You've built a raft, and now you're going away. I'd die to swim to you, but what good will it do?
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HAHA. I miss my TT ^^V

going against the current

2007-08-29T14:46:00.000+08:00

I think I'm the only one who'd let insanity take over me, so much so that I'd even skip my Prelims. Anyway, I was like "Oh-my-god". Lets just get down to the conclusion, the face in the photos, screwed up X 1000. That's how bad it is. (Laughter)

My Eyes Love You, But My Heart Can't Love You So.

2007-08-23T20:28:00.000+08:00

Everyone, this picture~

BOO! Today is stupid. ( Read: HuiSan ) I think we were the only two idiots below 50 yrs of age sitting in the coffeeshop drinking Milo-bing and Coke, AND WATCHING 义难忘 . In case you guys don't know what show this is, ask your Grandmother or something. By the way, this isn't in chronological order, just blabbering whatever I recall of. That was of course, after the Basketball match. Haha. Total trash. Congrats! ^.^ Yeah, and I walked to somewhere in Aljunied to take bus 64, and guess what? I took the whole god damn loop with my horrible sense of direction. And I ended up at Ang Swa. URGHHHH. Someone actually took time to tell me how much of an idiot I resemble from my actions. Thanks ah, read: Huisan AGAIN.

Minsi clowning around with my Cam, 港星！Caught on camera.. Manager, please moderate.
Me clowning around with the cam during flag-raising which I need not attend due to a cracked hip bone, right Yi Jie?
This is how the nerds look like during FRC.
This is how nerds look like when it comes to Relative Velocity.
This is how skinny jeans look like on a not so skinny person. (BASH ME)
ARGGHHH! My bro's frog is trying to bite my finger. -.-
Scene 1: 港星 counting his pay.
Scene 2 : "Yay my wallet's full!"
Bored. Waiting for Basketball team to meet up.
THIS IS THE COFFEESHOP. That is Ah Shui on TV by the way.
This is the klutz who took a 2 hr bus home.
This is my best friend(2005) & my teacher(2007)
Yeah. Rachel's obsessed. She wants her fingers in my pictures.

And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
-Kahlil Gibran

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I ended the most subtle, deterrable speech I could ever deliver, As though his input was imperative to my decisions. I tried to figure out what his problem was with all the fortitude and strategic delicacy of a captain mounting a land invasion. In the wake of his silence, I started dreaming. Dreaming of the worse things I could ever conjure up in my mind at all. The thoughts screaming murder in my head. I didn't even want an answer, fearing my heart would break beneath the weight of truth. Today, I discovered this thing that I am unaccustomed to: contact of our two bodies with him bestowing excessive fondness in my nearly shattered soul once again.

I once tried to wash any hostility or awkwardness away from us. But all the time had run out and this whole nightmare had become too unwieldy, and it was impossible for me to stop its path.. I felt so powerless in a abyss of mistakes, too big for me to alter. I feel it again. The shrinking of my world into the eye of a pin with room for nothing else except for the two of us. The irony strikes, yet again.

And then it flowed. I tasted it, all salty. When you loved someone, you put their needs before your own, no matter how inconceivable those needs were, no matter how much it made you feel like ripping yourself into a thousand pieces.

It would soon be over, I promise. Under the veneer of this facade lies a helpless soul.

情难忘

2007-08-15T12:07:00.000+08:00

I've been gone for a long time now. Busy with BoyF, School, Writing my CV (which isn't even completed yet) and what-nots.

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All the normalcy I'd worked so hard to create- the smile, the small talks- dissolved against the simple fact that no matter how hard I pretended, the relationship of ______ to ________ was irrevocably altered when one of the parties _____ the other. I tried reeling away from the implications of the admission. It meant that she wasn't even half a nut away from doing that, and it definitely did not serve as news for celebration. It also meant that ______, unjustly accused to begin with, was being condemned as a villain. And had she turned to someone else to help, this entire outcome might never have come to pass.

The shock leaped into his expression, carefully smoothed by a creditable blankness. And then extracted his ubiquitous pen from his pocket. The eye of the storm.

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Remembering the not-so-long brown hair she'd wrapped around her hands like reins; the point of his chin and the soft hollow of his throat where she could touch her lips to his pulse. They laughed over meals, discussing other abstractions about Love that seemed to close for comfort now. The past. But a wall had gone up between them, solid and unforgiving for all its transparency. He bared his teeth in a semblance of a half-hearted smile, trying to evaluate how much of a bleeding heart she could be.

Yesterday(:

Nice clouds right. Stratus clouds(?)

Height difference. I swear she was standing.Height difference (2)

不要讲废话
Bro!
Ruby, Vivien, Jingyi
Jingyi, Vivien, HuiSan, Ruby, HuiShan, Jackalyn
Omg she made our tea!
Gangxing, this is for you:)

(Empty)

2007-08-04T11:03:00.001+08:00

It'd finally made its way, though it had been a really slow, palpable realisation that'd dawned upon you. But it's alright, since you've handled countless setbacks with aplomb. You must have felt like being admitted to an inner sanctum that you silently question but not really wanting the answer to.

Screwwwww. I need food. Although I think I'll only be back like a few days later.

----[8/8/07]----

Her strategy for dealing with things emotionally unpleasant was to push past the mortifying situation and get on with life as if it had never happened. By the time I'd grow this old, she'd become a master of this technique. But last night, she desperately tried to recapture the intentional blindness once again. I approached her for this matter a few hours ago. I showed concern. But her only reciprocation was an unruffled, guileless smile (probably stemming from her belief that any smidgen of emotion would crack her careful mask and leave her in pieces). Suspension of disbelief. A smile? It wasn't all that simple. I hate it when she keeps to herself. I screamed at her. I blurted some things out, not realizing it until I've spoken -- how bitter the accusation was, veiled as it had been. It'd been hard on her, since I can't even fathom how is it like to know that you'd grown someone within your body capable of such melancholy; to know that if you hadn't given birth, this measure of desperation in the world might not have come to pass.

I tried seeking solace in the shower, but the surfeit of emotion I'd been concealing since I'd returned home at his command began to leak out of the hollow of this heart where I'd bottled it up. The bathroom was redolent with the floral scent of the shower gel. I remembered the laughter. Impolite and rancid as a belch. In the lukewarm water's embrace I heard nothing but my own heartbeat and the consistent shhhhhh of the water. The heart sank inch by excruciating inch. I clutched the sponge so tight my nails were cutting into my palm. I feel the rage grow inside me, uncontainable. It pushed its way past my heart, broke through my skin, sprouting thick as an extra limb. I dried myself, afterwhich rushing out of the house.

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Things were getting sour. I tried to pretend that I did not feel the weight of her indignation, standing between us like a fitful child, so solid I could not even reach past it to touch her.

HELLO EARTHLINGS!

2007-08-02T18:11:00.000+08:00

ANYONE UP FOR JOHORE OUTING NEXT WEEK?

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"Sorry Mom, I'm a cunt, that's why you slapped me didn't you? I'm sorry I deserve no respect at all, throwing myself all over drunk guys. I'm sorry. I was fat then, you see. But hey! 'm 47kg now! And I'm obsessed with this girl, URGH, she's a sl*t. She tries to defame me. I'm really really annoyed. She can't speak proper English, with her Mom did I mention?"

Oh, that was totally first person. I was impersonating some girl I'm said to be obsessed with. I'm sorry I can't be as hot as her. Since I never really needed slimming pills.

You claim some of our common friends dislike me, but hello, you never did know what they thought about you right? Haha, try asking them then. "she so fat and put so much makeup but still can see her pimple scars ley." Kewl~ Putting my Friendster links everywhere, only to have people messaging me on Friendster to tell me what a whore you have been, are being and will carry on to be. LMAO. That is like a slap in your face with your own words. Trying to make people dislike me by telling them I slept around with guys to spite Henry? C'mon darling, you could do so much better, can't you? Your lies should be a little more believable.

Spammers carry on, you make me happy :)

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Gosh. Subway twice in a row. Then the bet to finish a foot-long sandwich. Dang, JA, you totally will lose the bet since I have a VORACIOUS appetite. Okay, and the the thought of Southwest dripping all over the tray is totally uncalled for. What a spendthrift my dear HuiSan. You bloody hell got tempted on both days and today you gave in. Admit it, you have an insatiable crave for Subway. Its alright, we all do.

This is my best Bro. Eh you ass. GOH JINGYI wasn't here. That fucker pierced her naval on an impulse and can't even bend down now.

Alright. This girl has fucking sexy legs. Go crazy over them. She doesn't need slimming pills. None of us needs it anyway, at least not to the extend of having to lose what, a dozen of kilograms ^^
Screw. This girl below is totally my idol. Thank goodness she's not vying with me to get into the same Polytechnic for DMMS. I will like, drop dead if she does. Did I forget to add that she's my favourite author? :D
I GOT MY FIRST PRADA WALLET. Like, the day before yesterday. Damn and it's dirtied already. Screwed.

If this splurges on taxi fares and Subway for two meals a day and clothes (Read: I DO NOT NEED) and my fucking eyebrow piercing and my heavily screwed up mask for my laptop carries on, I think I might just die a bankrupt. DANG~~ $100 bucks gone, paying for random stuff. In like, 0.5 hrs. I need more $$$ and I refuse to work for it anymore. Nevermind, 2 more days to PAYDAY!

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Source

Damages in Libel and Slander

It is important to bear in mind the subtle but important distinction between the basis for an award of damages in a claim for libel, where the words complained of are published in a permanent form, and in a claim based on slander, where the words are spoken or in some other transient form.

In a claim for libel, damage is presumed to have occurred and it is not necessary for the plaintiff to prove any actual damage to his reputation. In slander, however, damage is generally not presumed and therefore slander is not actionable per se unless the plaintiff can show that he has suffered actual damage. This in many instances is usually extremely difficult to prove. There are four exceptions to the rule that slander is not actionable per se. These are:

• where the words impute a crime for which the punishment that the plaintiff may be subject to is physical in nature, for example, imprisonment;

• where the words impute to the plaintiff a contagious or infectious disease;

• where the words are calculated to disparage the plaintiff in any office, profession, calling, trade or business held or carried on by him at the time of publication; and

• where the words impute unchastity or adultery to any woman or girl.¹

The Various Types of Damages

Damages are the principal remedy for libel and slander. In addition to damages, the court may also order an injunction restraining the defendant from further publication of the defamation. Even though an action in defamation is really an action to repair damage caused to the plaintiff’s reputation, the court does not have the power to order the defendant to publish an apology.

There are two types of damages that may be awarded by the court. These are general damages and exemplary damages.² There is a subset of general damages which is called aggravated damages and which is sometimes viewed as a third and distinct type of damages. A possible explanation for this distinction is that in certain cases the court has awarded aggravated damages as a separate head of compensation from general damages. Aggravated damages are essentially damages taking into account the aggravating factors ie factors which aggravate the damage that has been caused and which justify a higher amount of general damages being awarded.

The purpose of general damages is to compensate the plaintiff for the effects of the defamatory statement. Unlike damages recoverable for personal injury or property damage, general damages in defamation claims serve different functions. Such damages are intended to console the plaintiff for the hurt and distress that has been caused by the defamation. It is also intended to redress (insofar as a monetary award is able to) the harm that has been caused to his reputation and as a vindication of his reputation.

In defamation, general damages are ‘at large’. By this, it is meant that the damages cannot be assessed by means of any mechanical, arithmetic or objective formula or method. The court assesses damages after hearing all the evidence.

The Factors

There are various factors which the court traditionally considers in determining an award of damages for defamation. What is set out below is not meant to be an exhaustive list of the factors which the court may consider. Certainly, some of these factors may not apply in every case and other factors may have to be taken into account, depending on the facts and circumstances of the case.

Factors pertinent to general damages

The factors which the court is likely take into account when determining an award are:

• The gravity of the allegation that is made in the words complained of.

• The size, mode and influence of the circulation. In this regard, where the defamatory words form part of an article or are contained in a broadcast programme, the court may also consider the influence that the particular newspaper, magazine or broadcast programme has on the minds of the reasonable reader or viewer.

• The position and standing of both the plaintiff and the defendant.

• The conduct of the plaintiff to the extent that the plaintiff may have contributed to the publication of the defamation or damage to his reputation.

• The conduct of the defendant from the time of publication of the defamation to the time the verdict is given against him.

• The effect that the defamation has had on the plaintiff’s reputation. Where the plaintiff can show actual damage to his reputation, this is a factor which will also be taken into account.

Again, it must be stressed that the factors set out above should not be taken as a complete list of the factors that may apply in a particular case. For example, there may be occasions where the court will have regard to the motives of the defendant in publishing the defamatory statements.

Factors which aggravate general damages

Insofar as aggravation of damages is concerned, the factors which the court would generally take into account are those which would tend to exacerbate the harm to reputation. Once again, the precise factors which the court may take into account in a particular case will vary according to the unique facts and circumstances of that case. The following are a list of the more common factors which the court may consider:

• The improper or irregular conduct of the defendant in connection with the publication of the defamation. For example, misquoting the plaintiff, not allowing the plaintiff an opportunity of reply and subterfuge.

• Failure to apologise.

• Any malice which the defendant may bear against the plaintiff.

• A plea of justification.

• The defendant’s overall conduct of the litigation.

• Other defamatory publications of and concerning the plaintiff.

The Trend of Awards

In Singapore , the courts have been loath to allow the quantum of awards for general damages in defamation cases to be substantially scaled upwards. The trend in awards over the last 15 years has seen a general consistency in the quantum of general damages (including aggravated damages) in line with established benchmarks. Whilst the court has acknowledged that the quantum in each case ought to be decided based on its particular facts, it has in many instances taken cognisance of previous awards that have been made.

The Court of Appeal expressed this policy in its decision in the case of Arul Chandran v Chew Chin Aik Victor JP³ where it held as follows:

In Suit 1116/96, the Senior Minister, Mr Lee Kuan Yew, was awarded $550,000 as damages for defamation by the trial judge. This was reduced to $400,000 by the Court of Appeal (see Tang Liang Hong v Lee Kuan Yew & Anor and other appeals [1998] 1 SLR 97). In that case, the Court of Appeal made it clear that while a cap should not be placed on the quantum of damages for defamation, grossly exorbitant awards such as those made by juries in some other jurisdictions are to be avoided. Admittedly, the amount of damages awarded for defamation depends on the circumstances of each case. All the same, in the light of the amount of damages awarded to the Senior Minister in Suit 1116/96, Mr Arul’s assertion that he should be awarded around $1.875m in damages could not be countenanced.

This stands in stark contrast to our neighbours across the causeway, where the courts have awarded general damages of up to an aggregate of RM10m.⁴ To this end, it is the writer’s view that foreign cases ought not to be relied on as an indication of the quantum of general damages that should be awarded  in Singapore .

The table below sets out the list of selected defamation cases heard in the High Court since1989 where awards for general damages have been made.

Year Name of Case Citation Award

1989 Lee Kuan Yew v Davies & Ors [1989] SLR 1063 S$230,000

1992 Jeyaretnam Joshua Benjamin v Lee Kuan Yew [1992] 2 SLR 310 S$260,000

1994 Overseas-Chinese Banking Corp Ltd v Wright [1994] 3 SLR 760 S$50,000

Norman & Ors and another action

1995 Sin Heak Hin Pte Ltd & Anor v Yuasa Battery [1995] 3 SLR 590 S$100,000

Singapore Co Pte Ltd

1995 Lee Kuan Yew & Anor v Vinocur & Ors [1995] 3 SLR 477

and another action

1995 Chiam See Tong v Xin Zhang Jiang [1995] 3 SLR 196 S$50,000

Restaurant Pte Ltd

1996 Chiam See Tong v Ling How Doong & Ors [1997] 1 SLR 648 S$120,000

1997 Tang Liang Hong v Lee Kuan Yew & Anor [1998] 1 SLR 97 Between S$60,000

and other appeals and S$270,000⁷

1998 Goh Chok Tong v Jeyaretnam Joshua Benjamin [1998] 3 SLR 337 S$100,000

and another action

1999 A Balakrishnan & Ors v Nirumalan K Pillay & Ors [1999] 3 SLR 22 S$30,000⁸

S$25,000⁹

1999 Cristofori Music Pte Ltd v Robert Piano Co Pte Ltd [2000] 3 SLR 503 S$50,000

2001 Arul Chandran v Chew Chin Aik Victor JP [2001] 1 SLR 505 S$150,000

2003 Ei-Nets Ltd and another v Yeo Nai Meng [2003] SGCA 48 S$80,000

2005 Lee Kuan Yew v Chee Soon Juan [2005] SGHC 2 S$200,000

2005 Goh Chok Tong v Chee Soon Juan [2005] SGHC 3 S$300,000

It goes without saying that all the cases cited in the table below have their own peculiar facts. That said, it is evident from a quick review of the quantum of the awards in the table and from the stated reasoning in some of the cases tabulated that the courts have adopted a ‘policy’ of following established benchmarks.

In the case of Goh Chok Tong v Jeyaretnam Joshua Benjamin and another action,¹¹ the Court of Appeal increased the quantum of damages awarded by the court below in order to bring the award in line with the established benchmarks:

57 Lastly, notwithstanding that the trial judge correctly identified that each defamation case must be taken on its own facts, we are of the view that insufficient B C D E regard was paid to the precedents established in case law. A broad framework of awards has emerged from past cases and these cases serve as a guide in determining the appropriate amount of damages to be awarded. In this respect, the awards made in cases preceding this appeal must be treated with care: they are not necessarily accurate indications of appropriate awards of damages. Even so, given our findings on the issue of malice and the gravity of the aggravating factors, together with the extent of republication and the high standing of Mr Goh, the global award of $20,000 appears to us totally disconsonant with those awards, including those which might now be considered excessive.

58 In particular, we note that an opposition Member of Parliament, Mr Chiam See Tong, received awards of $50,000 in Chiam See Tong v Xin Zhang Jiang Restaurant Pte Ltd [1995] 3 SLR 196 in respect of the publication of his photograph in the restaurant’s advertising material and $120,000 in Chiam See Tong v Ling How Doong & Ors [1997] 1 SLR 648 in respect of accusations made by his former political allies that he had become a government stooge. We are mindful of the differences between these two cases and the present one. Nonetheless, they are of some relevance in this respect showing a broad framework of the awards made.

59 In light of what we have said, we think that the quantum of damages arrived at below must be reconsidered and the amount of damages must undergo an upward revision. In all the circumstances, we are of the opinion that a fair and reasonable sum to be awarded to Mr Goh as damages should be $100,000. Accordingly, we increase the award of $20,000 to $100,000.

Lastly, in the case of Ei-Nets Ltd and another v Yeo Nai Meng¹² the Court of Appeal again made reference to the benchmarks that had been set when determining whether the award of damages made by the court below had been excessive:

‘63 As regards the question of quantum of damages, the appellants argued that $80,000 is excessive. They relied on the following cases in support. First, Lee Kuan Yew v Jeyaretnam JB [1978–1979] SLR 429, which was an action concerning defamatory statements made against the then Prime Minister of Singapore, and where $130,000.00 was awarded for what the court termed a ‘very serious slander’.

64 Next, the case of Chiam See Tong v Xin Jiang Restaurant Pte Ltd [1995] 3 SLR 196 which involved the preservation of the reputation of an opposition Member of Parliament (‘MP’), who was also an advocate and solicitor. The defamation there consisted of publishing the photograph of the MP in business promotional materials without his consent. Damages of $50,000 were awarded.

65 Third, the case of Tang Liang Hong v Lee Kuan Yew [1998] 1 SLR 97, where there was limited circulation of a defamatory report to the police alleging that three leaders of the government had, without factual basis, been making statements that one Mr Tang Liang Hong was a Chinese chauvinist and anti-English educated. The Court of Appeal awarded to Mr Lee Hsien Loong, Dr Tony Tan, and Mr Lee Yock Suan $130,000 (taking into account the fact that he had already been awarded S$220,000 in a related suit), $150,000, $130,000 in damages respectively.

66 Last, the case of Goh Chok Tong v Jeyaretnam Joshua Benjamin [1998] 3 SLR 337, where the allegation against the Prime Minister of Singapore was that he was guilty of a criminal offence, ie criminal defamation. The allegation was made during the heat of an election rally. The Prime Minister was awarded damages of $100,000.

67 Of course none of the above cases quite fits the facts and circumstances of the present case. Arguably the closest is Chiam See Tong but not quite. In Chiam See Tong, the wrongdoing was the use of the plaintiff’s photograph for a commercial purpose. There was no allegation of dishonesty or fraud as such. Here, what was alleged against Yeo was that he had conspired with others to misappropriate funds of Speed, clearly an allegation of dishonesty and fraud. On the other hand, in Chiam See Tong, the plaintiff was a more well-known public figure and the publication was very much wider, unlike the present case which only involved four persons.

68 Contrast Chiam See Tong with Tang Liang Hong v Lee Kuan Yew, where the sting was that certain political leaders were guilty of criminal conspiracy and where the publication, like the present case, was only to a few police officers. The award given by this court was $150,000 to a Deputy Prime Minister and $130,000 to a Minister. In giving these awards, the court took into account the standing of  each victim.

69 Yeo’s standing is nowhere near that of a Minister. Neither is he a leading public figure. Nevertheless, he is a man of business and has held positions of responsibility in public and private organisations. Bearing in mind the quantum given in the cases discussed above, it may appear that the award of $80,000 to Yeo is high. However, we do not think it is so high as to warrant the intervention of this court. Here, we think the principles laid down in Associated Newspapers Ltd v Dingle [1964] AC 371 at 393 are germane:

An appeal court rejects his figure only in ‘very special’ or ‘very exceptional’ cases. Such cases are embraced by the formula that the judge must be shown to have arrived at his figure either by applying a wrong principle of law or through a misapprehension of the facts or for some other reason to have made a wholly erroneous estimate of the damage suffered ...

70 The trial judge appreciated that in an exercise such as this, all relevant factors must be considered. He took into account:

[T]he sting of the defamatory words; the context in which the words were uttered; the occupation and professional standing of the person defamed, the degree of harm caused by the defamatory words and the degree of aggravation/mitigation present ...

This court had in Goh Chok Tong v Jeyaretnam Joshua Benjamin [1998] 3 SLR 337 enunciated the principle that the court should give sufficient regard to precedents as they provide a broad guideline. However, we do not think that the judge had erred as a matter of principle; nor can we say, on the above precedents, that his award was a wholly-erroneous estimate of the damage suffered.’

Final Note
It is clear that the courts in Singapore have over the last 15 to 20 years consistently applied well entrenched factors historically recognised by English law in determining general damages in defamation cases and in doing so, have established our very own benchmarks in defamation awards. These local benchmarks continue to stand the test of time and should be carefully considered by any libel lawyer when advising on damages for defamation.

2007-07-29T16:11:00.000+08:00

Okay.
冷咖啡离开了杯垫
我忍住的情绪在很后面
拼命想挽回的从前
在我脸上依旧清晰可见
最美的不是下雨天
是曾与你躲过雨的屋檐 oh
回忆的画面
在荡着秋千梦开始不甜
你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡
....

I love you ^^

(^o^)

2007-07-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

私は愛するけざいお ^^

我好想念你哦！这几天感觉怪怪的，也不知道发生了什么事，一直想找人说心事，但连着简单的东西也做不了，我的自由没了！唉，真可怜。。。

More updates later!

Sorry

2007-07-23T18:31:00.000+08:00

This wasn't what I'd expected. At least not so soon. It served simply as a spontaneous, maybe
impulsive act. (As if it could stay that simple) But hell no, it had travelled beyond your furthest dreams. I'm genuinely apologetic, but it's fuck, all too late now. For that I'd condemn myself, until all of this blows over. But for these moments when I'll be on my own, don't leave me be. These thoughts dominating my mind every now and then, refusing to stop badgering me

I'm Sorry

--And then this thought came to mind "ROFLMAOZEDONGCHIANGDONGCHIANGDONGCHIANG" Thanks Dwayne--

I am that repugnant. I discriminate. I make judgements that I'll come to regret. My contrition is unfathomable right this moment. I have an unexplicable abhorrence for every single homosapien that I have no relations with. Now, it's all about "I", "Me". Self-centredness is inevitable.

I'm sorry.

P/S For my outburst this morning, if any of you guys are reading, I wasn't all that happy. Hope you guys understand.

I'm sorry.
--

Back from dinner with Bi's family.

Gonna sleep now... *yawns. Dinner makes you sleepy:D

Vacancy & Fucking hair.

2007-07-21T02:32:00.000+08:00

AHHH! A very nice Robin Ng A.K.A the big brother, help me kiap Toys before the movie:D Better then Henry Ng, who just stood there after a few futitle attempts. Thanks ah, make us walk from AMK to Hougang.

Look at this fucking piece of crap called - My New Hair. Fuck it man. It should be called - My New Pubic Hair.

This sucked. I wasn't the only one screaming at a certain point. What the fuck I'm delirious.

Overwhelming Melancholia.

2007-07-18T19:43:00.000+08:00

It ended with silence. The silence was deafening. There was no way it could be explicable, the resonating last words that poured out nonchalantly. My affection that was once unabated now- shred into nothingness. I tried to salvage the last surviving pieces of pride by gathering my belongings, flinging all unwanted items I once possessed into the trashbin, not wanting anything to trigger my memories of the past 9 months. "Get it over and done with.. You're strong enough"

I carelessly wipe off the tears flowing freely down my cheeks, going over the cut I've earned in this fight. The stinging pain was unbearable, second to the agony of these fights. I mustered any angst and hatred left in my hollow emotions at all, threw him one last glare that could have bore right through his skull, and stomped out this room of betrayal, pain and torture with a bruise on my right wrist, a cut on my cheek and marks left behind by the punches that came into contact with my body. If there's the only thing positive inflicted on me, it would only be the fresh air I've been deprived of for such a long time coming.

Freedom is a luxury I wouldn't be able to taste until I break loose from the grasp of The Evil One.

RAAAAH

2007-07-17T20:46:00.000+08:00

GOH JINGYI THIS IS NOT A EMO POST ON YOUR REQUEST !

#1: Mannequin has decided to give me a surprise call, haha after getting my number from my Mom(by calling my house). But I can only start anything/everything officially after my Birthday. That's how fucked up all the rules are. HAHA. But anyway, its a start lah, being that Mannequin models are frequently gracing the cover pages and fashion pages of FEMALE, CLEO, SEVENTEEN and ELLE. But my face, haiy, must photoshop. ^^

#2: MMC has decided to surprise me by screwing up when I needed it the most. God should condemn all useless memory cards. Hence I have decided to bring forward the reading of my 815pages, Almost A4 size book with tiny wordings called THE ULTIMATE HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY. This book is fucking stupid and crazy.

#3: That is a vile slander to my name. Like what _____ said, "why the heck am i still having to go through purgatory for that mistake? herr mein gott, please don't toy with me so. If you deem me unfit for your blessings, then at least leave me to my own devices. Forsake me if you have to." And thats exactly how I'm feeling.

Okay. Enough of whinings. And you! Yes! You, wanting to bitch me so hard? Its alright. As soon as you realize that you were substantially the loser after all, I can imagine you feeling as if a weight lifted itself off your shoulders. But then again, it would be expected, hor? Then again, it is most hilarious that your enthusiasm for trying to act like a loser is unabated. Come to think of it, this is a whine.

------------------------------------

The scene where me and Henry went fishing at Punggol suddenly flickered alive in my mind. He was standing with his back to me watching the first glimmers of light rising slowly in the darkness behind the horizon. Eventually the rays of the sun ran across the greenery like a prisoner released from his cell, wildy and in all directions simultaneously. The fetid odour made me avert my attention from the golden globe of fire to the carcasses of our baits that was only illuminated by the dull glow of the weak torchlight before sunrise. "Move that damn thing away" - first instincts first. But Henry was sunk in his own thoughts, and when I tried to engage him in a conversation again he would stoically mutter a few words under his breath and expected me to hear it. The conversations were left at that.

Emotional posts will now be diverted to Wordpress :D For address, Pm me.

Its still you, Daddy.

2007-07-14T23:01:00.000+08:00

[\Edit]

Some days I look through the letters my dad wrote to me over the years. I can hear his voice during those times. It hurts a little less each year he is gone, yet, I never forget how much I miss having him around. I look at his picture and can't believe he is really gone. The phone is supposed to ring and it is going to be him. The pain fades as the years pass, but some days are grey and lonely. I miss my dad on those days. I look at his letters and wish I had been there more. I wish so many things that I know I can not alter. I must just take those grey days and file them in my vault.

Till now there wasn't a burial, for nine long years I couldn't deal with the fact that you're gone. Probably cos' I haven't shove that symbolic pile of dirt over a grave- Your grave- and face it that you're no longer with us, but beneath us, a feet below the ground. Dad, I miss you more than I can bear.

These years I've been the only one not resenting you for leaving without a trace. Mom's doubts & Vibee's angst. My trust, my conviction that your heart has always been with us. But you never came back to shove the doubts at the back of our heads away. Mom had to carry on with her duty of bringing this two kids up, without your hugs and kisses when she was down.

ROFL MAOZEDONG

2007-07-13T18:51:00.000+08:00

I am a blogger who produces puerile pieces of writing. So what now? You're gonna suck your Mommy's tits?

The Greatest Gift (A Tribute to Daddy)

2007-07-10T17:52:00.000+08:00

Dad lived with us for several years while I was growing up. He was a forensics enthusiast before being a forensics enthusiast was what we young adolescents would label as “cool”. While most kids had hopscotch squares in front of their houses, we had chalk outlines outside ours. The figures’ ghostly limbs bent in all manners of unlikely angles. Friends who came over were routinely subjected to lineups, and the doorknobs of our home were blackened with repeated fingerprint dustings. Photos in our family albums were interspersed with gruesome case study photos, details of gunshot wounds, and police sketches. Forensics became a way of life for my family, and after a time it became difficult to separate Dad’s hobby from our daily routines.

Most of the time Dad could be found measuring things: the arc of the door swing, the amount of milk left in the carton, which spectra tended to see more use in my crayon collection. Anything and everything was subject to quantification, because to him it all meant something, and that was especially important because he had lost so much. Although Mom did not approve of us being so involved in forensics, she felt beholden to him because he did not really have anything else now but his forensics and his family. After his old house burned down, and our Grandmother-his only living parent- along with it, he had only us left.

Of course, I was by his side whenever I was not in school. We were inseparable, and he had use for the extra help. I assisted him in setting up cones around the refrigerator when he found its door ajar, I even got to go with him to the mortuary when he conducted psychological autopsies, and afterwards we would eat sandwiches in cool rooms surrounded by quiet, reflective drawers.

I didn’t care if any of it was real or not, I just liked being a part of the mission. During school, my friends would return to class on Mondays with stories of parties they’d attended, or about the new television show, or what video games they’d discovered at the arcade. In turn I would turn them wide-eyed with full and accurate accounts of the cases my Dad and I had worked on during the weekend. The rest of the time I found myself distracted by signs, clues, symptoms, and causes. I couldn’t help but see patterns in the bruises on the back of my best friend’s neck during Geography, and could think of nothing else but precipitating factors and post-crime behaviors. Dad told me I had a knack for criminal profiling, but to me it was just a way to put off homework.

The day my Mom phoned me at camp and told me that my Dad had a certain “Cardiac tamponade”. I was excited, and said that I couldn’t wait to be home to see it. “No,” my mother’s voice barely made a sound, her sniffling turned to white noise by the phone, “it’s not… that’s not… I’m so sorry.”

I left camp early to attend Dad’s funeral. The doctors told me that he’d developed this just recently, and that he had not suffered long. I knew they were talking down to me, trying to console me, but the words they spoke had not taken any effect on me.

What I remember most about Dad’s funeral was the procession itself. Dozens of slow-rolling tires packed the fresh snow, and bare branches hung low under the weight of the night’s accumulated ice. I sat in the back seat with my temple resting against the cool glass, and watched in disbelief as my Dad’s hearse was suddenly swept away in an intersection by a big rig, which was itself traveling sideways. The hood of the long black vehicle became wedged under the trailer, and as the truck plowed into an old deli, snow began to drift down from the slate sky.

The fire that belched from the truck’s compromised fuel tank was almost fluorescent in the chill purple gloom of mid-morning. Snow melted in a circle around the accident, as if in reverence, and spectators formed a wide circle around that, just beyond the yellow crime scene tape. Friends and family looked on in horror as officers, shielding their eyes from the growing flames, tried to open the rear door of the hearse. But the vehicle’s frame had bent, and the door have been welded shut.

A sense of desperation settled on the would-be funeral attendees as they witnessed the fire consuming the front of the hearse, but I felt surprisingly calm. My fingers were numb, but the pain was good. To me this all made sense in a way, not to sound morbid about it. In fact I was even able to summon a laugh as my mother, beyond hope, leaned to my sister and said, “Well, cremation is noble too.” It was the look on my sister’s face that made me laugh. My mother was the one with the macabre sense of humor.

For the first time I got to see the “jaws of life,” watched how firefighters applied it to the hearse, opening it like a tin can just to save the corpse of the man who’d bestowed the greatest gift on me. Meanwhile officers were setting up traffic cones, and, just beyond them, a small group of people were taking photos of the tracks in the snow, and marking key areas with flares. Crime scene investigators. Dad would have loved it.

In the end we postponed the ceremony until the next day, and afterward I remember a crowded house, and food, and quiet words of consolation only barely slurred by spirits. Mom let me spend that night in Dad’s laboratory, bundled against the basement’s cold in a thick blanket. In the moon’s glow my eyes lit upon the instruments of my Dad’s work, and stopped on a stick of chalk resting on a short stack of books. Later I dreamed in outlines, and of myself tracing around a world frozen into stillness so that I would remember it after it had moved on.

Daddy, I miss you.

2007-07-08T16:04:00.000+08:00

Some of my Drawings

Everything happens for a reason they say, and we had our time to do with what we would with our free will and all. And we freely and willfully polarized one another. Dad, I miss you. There is this empty feeling in the middle of my gut whenever I think of you, or look at your picture which looks so real, or am reminded by a thousand triggers everyday. You were, are, and always will be my rock. I hear you telling me what to do with the other kids whenever I ask you, and sometimes when I don't ask. My therapist says that was my grieving, that to me, that was when you left me....when I realized you were going to leave me in this world to fend for myself. I just wanted to go with you, to start as a little girl again and be with you so much more. I am so happy that you really knew how much I loved you and how much I respected you. I miss you so much Dad. I know that you will be with me always. The hardest part of all in this process is when I forget you are not here. I will be somewhere and see something or hear about something or a question comes up that I want to ask you. That is the dark hole for me. That is the sick feeling I get in the middle of my stomach. But I'll tell you something. You still reach me deeply. Daddy, I miss you so much and I will always love you with all of my heart. You were always the one I wanted to please and impress. You were so important to me and your opinion of me was my measure of success.

Death is bigger
Than you
And death is bigger
Than me

It is louder
Than silence
It is more final
Than the end

Death is what happens
After the shock
After the tears
After the words
After the world goes on
After the end

Death does not care
About bills
And books
And projects

It is not too shy
To end a life
mid-sentence

It comes
Stealthily
When everyone prays the hardest
Wooing the dying
Beckoning the soul
And when it's dance is done
The pain rushes in

I miss you Daddy

------------------------------------

Life is

The gold behind soft crystal clouds -
nothing can hide it’s bold beauty,
The delicate petal of a flower -
so pretty and so easy to break,
The crushed diamonds across the night sky -
dazzling brightly until they fall,
The vast flowing river -
never in the same place ; constant change,
An old twisted birch -
intricately complicated and branching in many directions,
Life is everywhere -
all around us, deep within us,
in every breath we take
in every move we make
It environs everyone, everything,
It is beautiful.
It is complicated.
It is a miracle.
Life is a breeze...
now that’s a lie

I'm a Hedonistic bitch. Are you?

2007-07-06T23:47:00.001+08:00

As the dark abyss slowly covers the colours of your life. You may watch as the mist of your dreams and hopes slip past your cold blue lips. You will be alone with your thoughts for a time that will be an eternal second. As the dirt is shovelled onto your cold body your warm soul will jump for the heavens and hopefully someone will be there to catch you......

So now you stand there gazing at my empty corpse and your mind races through the many things you never said. You touch my cold lifeless hand and shed a tear of regret for all the things you should of done to help me. If i could speak to you now i would tell you to get away from me, leave my side and never speak my name. You sanctamonious arse! When I cried out for love and understanding you laughed and walked away. When I needed to talk and stood before you with my heart torn you turned and acted as if I was invisible.

I am here, somewhere, in pure existence of death. Silence surrounds me, and at will i can close my eyes. This is my only strength; to close out the reality of all of this. I was quite shocked at the time, with the concern of death, but it is now no bigger a surprise than learning to ride a bike or to tie one's shoes. I still have my thoughts and remembrance of the life i had, but i does me no good to think back, because it brings me that much farther away from the people that were closest to me. They don't know where i am, and i don't even know why i am writing this... though i do surmise, when they die, they could quite possibly see this page lost in time as they will be, and as i am now.

Actually, I’m not. I’m selfish. This was a long time coming folks. I should have done it a long time again, because all this suffering has driven me crazy. I bet you didn’t think I could do it. I knew I could. I was just waiting. See, I have this problem of not finishing things. For whatever reason. But I finished this. I accomplished something finally. And you can say what you want about it. I know you’ll talk and wonder, what could have I done? The answer is nothing. Know that. You could do nothing. Don’t think of all those times when I came to you. Or those times you saw I was suffering and did nothing. I don’t blame you. I didn’t expect you to. I couldn’t have. See, I know how people work. My life is spent watching, observing. Everything you did, it was for yourself. And thats okay, you know that right. Thats what you needed to do. That’s why you have to understand, I did this for myself.

The night falls with a silent sigh, soulless are we. The salvation for
which you pray flares once, then dies, crushed by madness. All hope must die.
Your heart desires no more. How could you fail to believe lost souls surround
us, crying, we are fallen.

You're back?

2007-07-02T19:04:00.000+08:00

I can't believe I was never happy. I never even established a goal for myself. I wasted my life and left at what should have been its prime. I cried too much, laughed too little, allowed precious few into my life, and excluded too many. I ran with the wrong crowd. I found the right crowd but my death took them away from me. I wasted all the gifts God gave me. I just sat around wishing life was good but I never did anything about. I was a loner. I was a bitch. I just walked around doing the motions everyone else was doing. I was never my own person. I am glad for this desolate state. I can be at peace. I just wish my previous existence was one of beauty. I can only see the despair.

--------------------------------------

Damn, watch this Movie. Bloody nice, scares you for a period of time but its easily forgotten.

URGH.

2007-06-14T10:27:00.000+08:00

It's not about us anymore.
It's about Me.
Guess what? I think I don't give a fuck anymore:D

Existential? I doubt so.
3 Cheers to my new found freedom.
No longer bounded to your hussy mood-swings.

Well, Maybe I'll falter, just about now.

All the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep,
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep,
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep.
Hey, I can bleed as well as anyone, but I need someone to help me sleep.
So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams.
It's just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream,
Well, I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem.
But I'd sure like to find out,
So why don't you climb down off that movie screen- and stop acting.

New age & regrets

2007-06-13T02:07:00.000+08:00

The flow and connections of ideas kept me up at night. The oft under appreciated hyperlink is the catalyst of the information age. I would sit down, with mind to check one webpage for news, and four hours later be fifty sites away, content with my path, but unsatisfied - unfinished. The internet has no final destination, which is unfortunate because life does. Mine is a place in the dirt. So, this, then, is what it has come to. A simple page of nondescript, impersonal type to commit all my thoughts on life, all my lessons, sorrows... This, then, is what it all boils down to.

I'm sorry, but regret will always sow its deep roots, burrowing its way into the crevices of my broken heart.

At once, I knew sorrow. I could write pages of regrets, even at this tender age. And I shall doubtless know many more before my time has come. Regret is the very nature of human suffering. It consumes so much of our existences, it knows no boundries. But regret must be pushed aside. The past is past.

As for the present, it certainly must seem a sad moment, indeed. It certainly must seem terrible. But, with time, the days will grow light again. With time, the sun will shine. For now, grieve if you must, though rest assured that I am not hurting where I am. Whatever has happened to me, I am safer now than ever I was with you. I hope that my existence has been long and lovely, and that my life was not a vain one. I hope that I have counted many blessings to each of my sorrows.

There comes a point in your life when you weigh the decision to keep on fighting the good fight, or realize that its not worth it and theres nothing left but emptiness and nothing. You weep and stare off, thinking of everything that you could of done up to that certain breaking point that decided your fate and the end of your existance. You tie the second loop, pull through and fit the noose tight around your neck, close your eyes and drop. In the time it took to complete the task so many thoughts pound through your head like drops of water falling on your forehead. You question your sanity but realize its lost and your thoughts feel like they might of been someone elses. I didnt always feel this way you think, I wanted to be someone different. But thats how it always is, isnt it ?

Genuine feelings of love and loss are all but memories and even though you try to forget, there will always be something to remind you, something that lingers and stays, never fading, always wading. Life is situational, and largely plotless. Being dead would now be ok by me.

FUCKING RANDOM

2007-06-12T01:05:00.001+08:00

Joy to the world.

I just busted three months worth of tampons.

Now to the rescue. Be Right Back

Advertorial & An Emotional Post on a lighter tone.

2007-06-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

Mood:

I loved you and you led me on and we pretended like it was light and teasing , but it wasn't for me. Sometimes I think you knew what was happening and you felt it too, then ran scared. Sometimes I think I'm fooling myself. All the time I wish I knew which of the two choices was true.

I knew you were on the rebound from your last girlfriend, she who gave you your first kiss, but you thought I was funny and you told me I was beautiful and I sold out, I guess , in a way. And now you do love me and I love you and we are friends and it is only every once in a while that I get that queer little pang in my chest when you tell me someone else has done something nice for you.

And I have vowed never to love someone else who is in the untenable position you are, who has gone through such contortions to fit into a small dark space. You did this for for reasons I can understand, reasons which make me want to scream and shout and beat my fists against the doors of a small dark church which has never wanted me, bruising my hands until finally I am driven back into the arms of a Father who has always loved me.

And who loves you, beyone measure. Never forget that. Sometimes it is the only thing that makes life worth living.

------------------------------------------ -----------------------

The following Novelty Contact-Lenses cost $200/yr. Damn, I shouldn't have been such a spendthrift. It's eye-candy but you've got to take extra good care of it, Like before wearing it you have to soak it in a special solution that costs US$29.95 for a 500ml bottle for 2hrs. Wearing these contact lenses you'll have to be extra careful, any discomfort felt, you HAVE TO make a trip downtown to get an eye-check.

For more info, leave a comment (with your email or other contact details).

P/S: This is a real picture :D

There's a whole list of this, Check out the colors!

=================================================

You know what's funny?
Seems like every time I try to forget about you,
My feelings pull me back in.
You see, it's crazy,
'Cause I got somebody else,
You got somebody else.
But you and I both know,
That it really is...
But still,
You know what I'm saying?

Ran across a picture you took of me,
And you cross my mind.
I still hear you sayin' you love me,
If I'm suppose to be moved on in a new relationship strong,
Then why are you still hauntin' me?

They say...
If you love something, then let go,
And if it comes back then that's how you know.
I got to the stop light then I made four rights.
Now I'm back where I started,
And you're back in my life.
And is it possible to get back to you?
I say I moved on,
Til' I'm reminded of you.

I MISS YOU

2007-06-10T22:41:00.000+08:00

I miss you. I want so badly to just be able to pick up the phone and hear your voice. I want to smell you and to touch you and to feel your arms around me. I never thought one person could feel this much pain. Its physical and emotional and so overwhelming that sometimes I think I can't feel anything at all because the pain so harsh. I wish for one more second with you. I wish for that last conversation back with you. If I had known it were the last time I'd hear your voice, I'd of memorized each thing you said and played them back in my head everyday for the rest of my life. I would've asked you questions and told you over and over again how much I loved you, how much I missed you. I wouldn't of wasted one second of that call. Instead we had a normal conversation like always, the only thing I can be thankful for is that we always said I love you. The last words you ever heard from me were I love you and the last words from your mouth to me were I miss you and I love you. I am thankful for those moments everyday. So often, I wished you had loved me again, even just for a moment, so I could feel your lips against mine and know that at least for one moment, we were together, and you thought I was wonderful.
It was not to be. So much of what could've been became so much of what never was. It was tough for me to face, less so for you, I guess. I've lost so much this past year. What's left, but to drift off into the peaceful unknown, and at last have rest that I've needed for so long? How I wish things could have been altered, but then would it all have been the same? And real? My fortune was strife and it was folly to attempt to evade it. The ones I cared for...they did not return the sentiment. For all my efforts, nothing changed what was...

There just was no other way
After months of going crazy
There was
nothing left to say
But when the dust had finally settled
And the air
had quickly cleared
Things were better off than I had feared
And I miss
you so badly
Boy I love you madly

Even if I wasn't gone, if I was still there with you. I wouldn't expect anything from you, only for you to have a talk with me. Say anything, say you hate me. Say you don't feel the same way. Break my heart for God's sake! Just don't leave me here. The feeling of nothing touching me. The eerie sounds of silence. Nothing. Dark. Just like my life was. A lot of regrets but what’s the point? Why speak of it as if I might have done it. Either I was or I wasn’t there is no I might have I don’t know. Although I would have liked too have done more there is no point in just wallowing around in my own remorse. So to you I say. Fuck you.

UNFORGIVEN L.O.V.E

2007-06-10T02:01:00.000+08:00

There are so many things influencing me as I contemplate whether or to post the following.

Who knew, when I cried myself to sleep, I'd never wake up? Who knew how very little my percieved problems, obstacles, fears mattered at all? The time I wasted worrying...stupifies me. Despite this, it was a good life. It held adventure. It held promises. My spirit lifted itself from the ashes time after time, even when I thought it just wasn't possible. I lived out loud, in many places. Now I walk purposefully near the coast. I balance precariously from rock to rock across the raging waters. I spin in the sunshine of the plain, feeling lavishly full and insignificant all at once.

I do not exist.

Your actions hurt. It didn't hurt because you were letting me go. It hurt because you made it as if you were doing me a favor by letting me go. I love the way we clicked & It holds true today just as it did a year ago, and it will hold true even if you are gone. You were the best back then. You are even more so now.

Example:

-------------------------------------------------

When he comes, he does not come in black.he wears a nice tasteful (if a tad large) sweater, and glasses.

When he speaks, it does not sound like the creaking of antique doors or the whispering of a cold dry wind. He sounds like your father, or your brother. I've never had either, so i'm not sure.

When he beckons, he does not swing an ebony scythe, waggle a skeleton finger, or flap his huge eye-covered wings. He just waves. and he wears a silver ring.

And when you go, you don't go up or down. You don't get paddled in a boat, and you aren't judged. There are no pearly gates.I t's just a long walk in a peaceful garden. Ocasionally a bird makes a happy noise, and if you ask him any questions he'll answer, but mostly you just walk and walk, and never get tired, and watch it turn from day to night and back, and never quite know where you're going.

And sometimes, when he's not watching, you can dance.

I implore you for the logic that seems to elude me, the logic of understanding my fellow man, for it has been high time that I would fit in with humanity and its faults. I understand those close to me; those who are my dead family and friends. The dead speak no words and fill my mind with wondrous sounds of music that relates to my state of worldly items. They speak of the ways I see in the world, which has become the blackest of a dark man’s nightmare. Filled with the gruesome facts that endow our world with its pregnant dangers that prowl as large wolves in the distance to sink fangs into the flesh of the good people of the world. I have seen the evils of the dead which haunt my moves like shadows.

Can you not see the hatred which courses through my veins like that of the carrion eating birds that gleam the intelligence befit of the devil himself? Old Scratch is knocking at my hearth step, waiting for my failure in the watch I keep. The orbs that peak into the very soul of myself betray my horror for the creature that tells my story as a comedy to his slaves as he whips their flesh into ribbons.

SCREW LATE-NIGHT CAB RIDES

2007-06-08T22:04:00.000+08:00

So I say, never offend me :D

I have this feeling of posting all my pictures but but BUT my laptop crashed, so my Photoshop CS2 is goneeeee, & I'm only left with PAINT.NET & you can't really play around much with the pictures so, ah, fuck it. Ooh, and I can finally load my photos into the comp cos I finally got my SD adapter tada~ Done. BUT I CAN'T EDIT THE PHOTOS! So. Here it goes...

FISHING @ PUNGGOL END:

IDK why I had to just take this photo!

Pre-fishing supernatural education?

If only I ate lights, I could never be hungry.

Pictures are deceiving, I was actually at India saying hello to the Taj Mahal.

& cos we were already half drifting off to dreamland, we'd made the worst decision off the night : To call for a cab taken into consideration that it was already 4am & it was a rather desolated jetty. And guess what? For 5 full minutes I listened to their nice sweet music, like its sole purpose for existence is to calm callers/passengers-to-be down as they stand under the hot sun or pouring rain. Or should i say, to make sure that the mobile phones wouldn't end being smashed up. Whatever.

To You: I miss you & I know you do too :D

Fragrant and luminous bliss awaits.

2007-06-07T23:10:00.000+08:00

OH MY FCKING GOD.
KOREA BLEW UP THE MOON WITH THEIR NUCLEAR MISSILE.
http://www.yahoobreakingnews.com/news1.html

As I fall deeper away from you into a state of punctured uncertainty, I feel the era of darkness has long since begun, victims of a helpless walk - a delivering walk deep into mechanical pain automated in disguise of control. I grasp onto my fate. Do you realize that this must be done to preserve the dream? The dream of worlds long past, etching your beauty into my skin. I will soon no longer be an earthly entity. Never again will I be touched by that dreadful fear. Fear of thoughts spinning relentlessly through mind and spirit. I've been stripped of all happiness, I cannot deny this. I just want you to know...you are the only one to pull me out of this restless slumber. I can no longer suffer in this world of human arrogance, ignorance, and error. I've been scratching far too long and far too intensely, scratching with sheer biting madness to find the outstretched palm writhing and gleaming at the end. The end so drastically near, tasting the poignant waves carrying upstream. A brash and melancholic existence. You're the only truth I've ever known. Also the most pain I have felt shrouded in fear. I cannot go without saying you'll be a part of me always in silence and in darkness. Perhaps we shall meet again - in a moments time our life thereafter may embrace itself into one.

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and theaffection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch or
a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Look at you, stumbling along, looking for something interesting, perhaps? Something insightful? Something to make your life worth living for few days more, just a few....I'll tell you now, go make yourself happy. Screw the rest of the world. Once it's over, it's over. Don't kid yourself. Not like having a few extra lives is going to make a difference in the very long run. I've ran as long as you could go, but now I've come to find there's an extra couple of laps, and I'm so tired!So save up your energy. Go on. Get out of here. Go kiss that special someone you love so much, then take a bath, take a day off of work. Go on, save your strength. Trust me, you're going to need it for those last few laps.

2007-06-07T19:38:00.001+08:00

What is most terrifying, is not knowing what's at the end of the road.

2007-05-30T16:24:00.000+08:00

Its not easy to allow yourself to feel, when your feelings contradict everything you
are expected to feel. Its not easy to force yourself to breathe, when every breath you take is an ultimate chore. Its not easy to say you're wrong, when everyone else says you're right. Its not easy to let yourself live, when your whole life feels like a lie. And so, I seek refuge. Where? I don't know. I need to have some sort of release from the world. I need to be able to tell someone about my emotions, try to write them down. To try organize them into a way that one-day maybe able to be recognized by someone who could help me. You never know, life is a mysterious beast. Loneliness is hard to conquer when you are surrounded by fellow human beings everyday. Cornered in by your own species. Loving and loathing them at the same time. Their view on life is normal and clear, not a distorted jungle of hidden monsters and entwining shadows. My world is different to theirs. To anyone else's for the matter.

Somehow, I love how much I deserve it.

My illness is a sucking thing that has wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It has a life of its own, that bit by bit has asphyxiated all of the life out of me. At the worst stage of major depression (and the other friends it brings along - it never travels alone), I have moods that I know are not my moods: they belong to the demons, as I like to call them,in the end I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that crushes me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, to crack my bones and desiccate my body. It continues to glutten itself on me, though it seems there is nothing left to feed it. I know that I can never kill this vine of depression, and so all I want is for it to let me die. It has taken from me the energy I would need to kill myself, but it will not do the deed - kill me - by its' own hand. If my trunk is rotting, this thing that feeds on it is now too strong to let it fall; it is an alternative support to what it has destroyed. In the tightest corner of my bed, split and racked by this thing no one else seems to be able to see, I pray to God, and I ask for deliverance. I would be happy to die the most painful death, though I am too dumbly lethargic even to conceptualize suicide. Every second of being alive hurts me.

THE EXECUTIONER’S BLOCK

The blood-splattered
Executioner’s block
Is where I want to be,
With the axe swinging.
My hopes and dreams end here—
Where the nightmare has just begun.

Everyone’s abandoned my life—
For even I have.
When I succeed I will rejoice,
Alone,
By myself;
How I want to meet the block.

Everyone who left me,
Those who disappeared,
Are now here,
To witness my success.
But they only point and laugh,
When I smile in my joy.

My short-lived joy,
It’s nearing the end.
The snakes’ eyes that are piercing my fragile skin
Look on,
Desperately wanting more suffering,
More pain to snigger at behind their blood-stained hands.

Just in spite of them,
I want to live;
Be the person to say
“Fuck you!”
To everyone who’s crossed the line.
To everyone who wanted to see me lose.

Now they have disappeared once more,
Like my hate for the world.
For myself.
I can live my life now,
Without the sniggers,
Without the executioner’s block.

Fuck This Crap.

2007-05-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

My certainty 7 months ago. My faith 4 months ago. My hope 2 months ago. My despair 2 months from now. My anxiety swallows me up. But when I'm gone, you'll find yourself wondering what has gone wrong. But as the distance grows, the Love fades. You've planted seeds of doubt in me, and it grows, day by day. Now, look around you... You'll realize you have nothing left. No more recognition earned for the things you'll die to sacrifice in exchange for another passionate moment. You're on your own now.

I think I'm alone now. I do things on a solitary basis. I am late for school everyday. I carelessly cut myself with a barbed wire. I leave school on my own. I sleep with tears on my own. I dine on my own. I watch the most trashy shows on my own. I watch documentaries on my own. I wake up in the morning, only to find your side of the bed empty for the second time this week, therefore I woke up on my own. I sit in lecture with my head throbbing on my own. I joke with friends, almost missing out the content of their jokes on my own. I'm perplexed on my own. I live this life over-scorched by the sun on my own. I walk in the rain alone. I sing alone.

I am tired of being depressed. I am tired of not being able to remember what joy feels like. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of feeling guilty. I am tired of being told that it is a blessing to have an angel in heaven. I am tired of being misunderstood. I am tired of having to explain myself when I am depressed. Again, I am tired of being depressed. I am so tired of death. I am tired of grieving. I am tired of grief. I am tired of asking why. I am tired of not getting an answer. I am tired of being indirectly told to "get over it". I am tired of re-living the nights of my Dad's death over and over, complete with tears and emotional upheaval. I am so tired of not being able to remember... every moment of his life.

I am tired of being tired.

Imagine running the gammut of emotional states-'normal' mood to depressed, depressed to angry, angry to manic, manic back to depressed, depressed back to angry- all within 5 minutes and repeated thorough out the day. That is what I have been going through more and more the past two years and it's starting to take it's toll on me in every aspect of my (pathetic) life. 'Oh, I understand I have been through depression before'. No, you don't understand. Depression is the least of it. It's the being irritated by every little thing-how bright it is in a room, groups of kids screaming, how someone pronounces a word wrong-and that irritation causing me to freak the fuck out..that's the shitty part. Then you add on top of that loveliness daily headaches. I can barely push myself out of fucking bed everyday. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I am ready to say 'fuck it all' and drown myself in a sea of pills. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how hard I squint.

Lies. Fabrications. Bullshit made up by people more vicious than those they were spreading their filth about. We believed it. Took every word as truth. Stuck with a shattered shell of a family in which the matriarch views two grandchildren as holy beings and the remaining five as demons sprung forth from the depths of Hell. Nothing that I can recall doing in my life, nor can I recall my parents ever doing, justifies their blatant disregard for us. Its much easier to accept someone else's point of view than to form your own opinion of something. Like the blind, we had these dogs hold our hands as they lead us through their own archaic stories, concocted in their manical minds. The fire of these words burned into our brains and the images were forged into the recesses. The people that I met last night were not anything like the blather I injested.They were the sweetest,funniest,laid-back,down to earth people that I have met in a long time. They remind me so much of our little four person family it is unbelievable. And I could have known them forever. While we can never have that lost time back, we can forge ahead into the future, mending and strengthening the bonds that were severed long ago.

When life is ended and heart beats no more
when eternal winter knocks at your door
When our mortal shell we finally shed
and our corpse is stiff upon our bed
When god calls us up to heaven above
and we leave behind the ones we love
when the pearly gates open wide
and we take those awaited steps inside
what will remain of the life we had
nothing but memories be they good or bad
the lives we touched the hearts we broke
the times we spoke up not the times we choked
the love we shared the deeds we've done
the times with friends when we just had fun
the memories we leave for those we know
is all thats left when we go.

2007-05-18T15:17:00.000+08:00

Light has found me, but I’m trying to elude it. He has turned into somebody I’d always ‎wanted him be, feel the way I’d always wanted him to feel. Now despair has decided to ‎make its existence known. I’d unknowingly allowed it to enter through the cracks of faith. ‎I’d seen the truth, but if I’d known as much, I wouldn’t even wish for half of the truth. ‎She’d drifted off to an island on her own, her own island of fun. You say you know best, ‎well, you do know best. Nevertheless, how deep can you fathom the weaknesses of an ‎emotional body? The temperature from the cold, hard marble floor starts to reach me. I ‎feel its bitterness, I feel its loneliness. ‎

I don’t want to fall asleep, with the likeness of Adam on the first day he was created. He ‎thinks it’s the end of his life if he drifts into a dimension that has never been explored. ‎Dreams, that’s what they call it. It alternates between nightmares and sweet dreams ever ‎so subtly. It’s the only thing civilization cannot control. Ever so vividly, I’m stuck in this ‎nightmare of my life, traveling back and forth, searching for the door to solace, where ‎negativity takes a seat twilight years away from the guy seated next to us-Happiness. ‎What I’d never realize, is that fear has evolved into a darker and wider melancholy. This, ‎I found myself struggling to get away from. But it repetitively tempts me into falling in it. ‎

Now you’ve decided to wait for meL, just before the end of bliss. You’ve decided to ‎embrace bliss with another pair of arms, with my arms. If it had been me six months ago, ‎I would have jump straight into those warm arms. Now I’m hesitant. Now I’m tired. Now ‎I’m wary. I can’t bring myself to find myself in you anymore. When you’re feeling down, ‎I never fail to be the first one there for you. When you’re feeling angry I’d be the first to ‎attempt calming you down, even if that’d mean a very bad verbal lashing from you. I ‎guess we’ve switched up the roles. I’m fading into passive. You, into active. That is our ‎difference now. This is what the search for love has turned out to be. ‎

Six months ago: I’d hope to be strong. I wished I’d possess the courage to just turn, say ‎goodbye and walk away. But with you it all fades away. I had been happy once. But as ‎time goes on, I find myself no longer having cheerful songs to sing. No longer having an ‎urge to be spontaneous and fun-loving. But its alright, I’ve started to live with this life of ‎just having to please and not being pleased. Its okay. I’m no longer happy. It’s okay. I no ‎longer laugh whole-heartedly, it’s okay. I can take these tears, they mean nothing to me. I ‎cried for the fact that I don’t seem to have faith anymore. But I cannot figure out what I ‎want, and even not being able to differentiate what I need from what I want. ‎

My greed cannot be fed. It isn’t the same hunger as the past. I’m living in solitude yet ‎again. I dance with my shadow. I fondle with darkness. I want a coup de grace performed ‎on me. I want everything and anything to become nothing. To start all over again. On my ‎own. But I can no longer cope with the pain of losing someone dear. ‎

2007-05-13T14:33:00.000+08:00

I smiled. I swooned. I blushed. I hoped. I burst out laughing. Now, I ponder. I wonder & fear decides to take a seat right beside me. I feel exhausted, spent, like I've been thrashing the waters all night to prevent myself from drowning. My head's heavy. Everything that I thought I'd known about, I didn't seem to know anymore. It's taking another form. I no longer see your smile, or tousle your hair but memory nutures. You hold it; you dance with it. Desperately I seek the words of love I feel for you. I found love words in others' poetry but the words don't touch me and I seek more- and there must be more.

Words of depth are not deep enough and even words of love filled souls are not loved enough. Words of longing hearts do not reach my heart. Words cannot know my longing. Words of touching cannot explain the ache. And words of lovemaking are devoid of feelings.The words of my love do not even exist. At least no longer.

But I don't want to disappear for I'm accustomed to the who I am. And in fear of losing me to you, in the darkness of last night I clung to me as I drifted into a restless sleep that awakened me slowly to the morning's sun... embracing a stranger.

2007-05-11T14:32:00.000+08:00

Confirm the Australia one is Jerry. LOL.

Nabeh, thanks ah.

I tweaked my Vista. Haha

SOOO CUTE. Lol

2007-05-09T22:25:00.000+08:00

What a wonderful day Blogger has decided to be such a screw-up, & Windows Vista SUCK BIG TIME. MSN Live Messenger cannot be installed and the Anti-Virus is lagging the damn laptop. Woah, it's about time this laptop's gonna crash. Damn it. Now enough for the whinings.

Lots of love for Henry Ng. Thank you for today.
Who lives in the underwear under the sea?
HENRY BIG SHIT!

I think someone can just label me "Tarry Queen". It's been sucha loooong time I posted something, not even something decent just yet. If being busy is my reason, it's an excuse. I'm just indolent.

--------------Now, this is me-------------------------

When I was a kid, I had a dream that I was expected by the hoards, who bayed and harangued over my shoulder, to enter a cave. It was like some sort of mineshaft and the pillars where huge old beams, some of which were falling down. I don't know if I was more scared of the dilapidated state of the whole thing or the crowd behind me, and even though it was clear that if I chickened out I would be mocked, labeled a failure, and sent into exile. I knew immediately that it would be exile because there was no way I could face that cave. The closer I got the louder the haranguing got and the energy was clearly no longer going into forward motion but simply transforming to fear. I've encountered this many times in real life and this dream was a foreshadowing of things to come.

As I grew up this is exactly what happened. I wasn't cheered on to great things by the crowd, but rather ended up outside the mainstream of things where I was labeled by many as a cryptic. I was not one to succeed in the game of society. In the dream, I wandered off resigned to the fact that I had not succeeded and was now an outcast and subject to ridicule. It seemed inevitable, but I didn't really mind because now I could enjoy the less crowded area of this mountainside which I eventually started to explore on my own. This too parallels my life because I was intensely individual in readings. There couldn't have been a dream that was a more true premonition.

Then, in the dream, after having found all kinds of cool passageways between boulders and eventually a massive cave that I took upon myself to explore, I chanced upon a very weird place. It was familiar, and yet so different. It was the very same cave that I had feared so much earlier but I was now looking from the inside out and I no longer felt fear. I was as calm as the later years of philosophical thinking would lead me to be. I had seemingly done it on my own terms and I was intensely proud. I had a lump in my throat.

I've not yet tested whether this part of the dream too is prophetic. Obviously, I've always hoped that it would be and last night I had a new understanding to all this. Maybe the fear of standing at the gates of the cave with society pushing me from behind, making the fear redline and any action impossible, was in real life my experiences with people. I am a very outgoing and generally sociable person, but when confronted with telling a man that I liked him, I transform into the quivering fool of my dream and always run away.

I had felt that this dream signified a need to do things my own way but perhaps my comfort and ease of being in this cave merely reflected a desire to return to the womb. Is this nothing more than that tired old joke about how we fought for our lives to get out of that hole and are now fighting for the rest of our lives to get back in?

2007-04-29T19:21:00.001+08:00

Do the test!

Create your own Friend Test here

2007-04-26T18:17:00.000+08:00

Great. Now my laptop has some problem connecting to wireless, so I've gotta use the damn computer that I'm appalled to using. & I've gotta start saving for my Brisbane trip (if my dearest host decides against the idea of a road trip to Melbourne) that costs like about $1500++ for a Two-Way. Hey, what's that you're laughing at? It's quite a lot for a student that hates working and plus expenses when I arrive there?

Oh my effing god. So much for my sadistic spree. It's over! No wonder they say " Bliss is never-lasting". Damn, if only your misery would protract for a longer while, then it would be an easier game to play. But whatever it is, your life is so screwed, not to mention, "soon-to-be-annihilated". But whatever. One door closes, two others open!

Today I felt it again. The cannonade of two negatory words on the different poles of a whole. Now you know how it'd felt like for 173 days :D & I'm enjoying every second of your I'm-not-showing-it-egoistic behaviour. Thats the part under Hate. I've tried to keep it at bay but it keeps coming back like it refuses to vacate. I've thrown a temper. You tried to cheer me up, stayed cool headed, but I hated it. I'm antagonized by the fact that you didn't blow your head off trying to cheer me up. & that's just one of the Grey areas I've been finding hard to categorize. Just about starting to get bored. Having to cook for you, well that's the part under Love. Okay, so what if it's just Potato Protege?!

--------------------------------------------

Anyway, I don't know why I just have the urge to talk about Cho, the "murderer" of 32 people in a college in the States. Personally, I think he shouldn't be blamed totally. It's the discrimination from people he faces that drives him up to a wall. He's flummoxed, thus losing the ability to discrepate between what's right, and what's wrong. They should have seen it coming from the violent, morbid and mind disturbing scripts, poems and assignments he was told to hand in as an English major. Had anyone been a little more vigilant and took an initiative, it might not have ended up this way, though it's hard to predict what would have happened anyway.

Now, that brings the whole incident into yet another rising problem we face in the world today: Racism. Racism is defined as the belief or doctrine that inherent differences among the various human races determine cultural or individual achievement, usually involving the idea that one's own race is superior and has the right to rule others. Thats the thing we're talking about here. There was once this hit song by the Black Eyed Peas titled "Where is the Love", betcha all heard it before, and part of the lyrics goes like this "But when you only have love for your own race, then you're bound to discriminate & to discriminate only generates hate". Now that's what I'm talking about. A plus factor to the tragedy is that Cho was a introvert, a loner. He had no one to confide in, had he? This added on to another condition called "Schzophrenia",a severe mental disorder characterized by some, but not necessarily all, of the following features: emotional blunting, intellectual deterioration, social isolation, disorganized speech and behavior, delusions, and hallucinations. (Think: Ca**e) He wasn't in the right state of mind, but urgh. Too much undisclosed news on his medical condition. Maybe I should just stop this lengthy Verbal Vomit just here.

-------------------------------

And by the way, you ought to change a new face:D
The one you're wearing is F-U-G-L-Y.

------------------------------

我想说我爱你，但怎么说不出口，我也不知道。　总之我想说的，刚才以滔滔不绝地说了出口。　伤害了你的话，就算得心疼也必须说。

2007-04-24T20:02:00.000+08:00

Okay, check out the blog I made for me & Henry.

爱之Blog
爱之 LoveSter

2007-04-22T15:25:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling particularly evil today. I wonder why. I happen to enjoy being sadistic for the moment. First *** went into the hospital. Second, I've been gloating over the post on 13th November. Aww, (Takes tissue out to wipe the "hot tears trickling down my cheeks") I dont really care if you havent offended me directly. :D It feels goooooood. Like super? So, yeah.

2007-04-20T16:33:00.000+08:00

These are strange days, filled with oozing and grapefruits and tiny pieces of grass that fly into my eye and come out hours later in a leak of tears. Days of curling up on the couch under a blanket even though it's sunny out and my favorite time of year. Days of spending five hours in my favorite place and enjoying the waves of people coming and going. Days of wondering what's worse: no answers or bad news. Days of getting scared of my own projects and ideas, cowering in the corner and hoping against hope that my dreams won't hear me breathing over here; that the monstrous ideas that demand attention will just snort on by, leaving me sweaty, shaken, relieved, and lonely. Days of bluster and over-sensitivity, mean-spirited snarks, herbal speed-balls, and snugs with the wubs. I dream of puppies and babies and going through sacks of old, mildewed clothing. Then I have moments where I feel it all snap into clarity around me and I look around and wonder "Who the fuck's life is this?" before realizing oh right, it's mine with all its twitching frets and overly-cerebral monkey bars. Then I wipe the crusted verbal vomit from the corners of my mouth, and apologize demurely for the inconvenience.

-------------------------------

Look @ Henry's retarded elder brother.

2007-04-19T21:55:00.000+08:00

Henceforth, I've decided to discontinue the course of all your misery. It isn't like I possess powers contrary to the course of nature, but I've simply decided this isn't the desired ending of what we've all been hanging desperately on to. Unfathomable? I think it isn't just all that simple. We held on for the want of having a better relationship. All along... until Love began to scream back at us. Until Love tried to run away. Until the warm gaze the same pair of eyes held turned abruptly into belligerence. We stood together as we watched Love plummet into the abyss of darkness.

Alas, it's time Loneliness starts making its way, boring through our skulls.

Have I finally gain consciousness? Or am I just starting to grow out of it? I feel like I'm gradually "evolving" into someone you'd randomly/regularly/imbued to venting your anger on. Like I'm never there for Love to run to me. It sounds corny, and it makes me seem like I'm impoverished for Love. But nevertheless I'm still too Lost in You to find Me. To remember that you're the dominant one now & I'm the submissive one.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really the case or just that I've been drifting too far away in my thoughts and sub-consciousness to differentiate anything at all. It's surreal if you'd changed for the better but still I'm hurting. Emotions swallowing like a glutton ever-hungry for food. It never stops.

Now we all know. though I'd never tell, that the urge for inflicting a catastrophe has fluctuated to such an extent I feel destructive. I feel like a tractor, like I just want to demolish or shred everything back to basics. It's becoming such an urge that this right instant I just ... well. I don't know too, this is what we call a lost for words.

I feel: Alone.

2007-04-18T22:06:00.000+08:00

Ever seen the Seafood Restaurant advert? Now Henry & I are starting our new Fish restaurant. Haha.

"Lai lai, Kim bak lor so big you can feed one whole family!"

I seriously think he should just go be a fisherman. Even his pose - the thumbs up thing- is so stereotype! Yeah & this week is his so called "Fishing Week". So Ah Xiong & him like go fishing every night, and he thinks its okay to not have enough sleep. & anyway I think Henry is like cuter now compared to when he was with that -well, her name's only purpose is to serve as the dirt in the chute- so well we shall just leave her name out. Half a year went by so quickly and I'm still with him? Haha. Well. Nevermind.

-------------------------------

Whatever. I've been having Writers' Block for like 3000 years now, and I can't seem to make my brain juice flow. Haha. So please pardon me if I haven't been writing anything with depth for quite some time now.

---------------------------------

Henry's Idol. Mine too.

Pink hair = Sexy = Hide :D
(However many times have I said that)

------------------------------------

Why am I so afraid to crash down and lose my heart again says:
What was that btch's email ?

Vivien« says:
I dunno?

Vivien« says:
jingyi8111@hotmaill.com

Vivien« says:
HAhA

------------------------------------

The thing is, why do people interfere with things that are of no relation to them? Do they happen to just favor Sarcasm(including me) and a battle of wits(in a negative manner)? Now we slow down our pace to re-evaluate our actions that might cause War of the Worlds in lateral. Okay now I officially dying so I shall carry on tmr.

2007-04-17T21:39:00.000+08:00

-----------------------------------------

My braces are finalllyyyyy taken off. I feel freeeeeeeeeee!

-------------------------------------

Below you see an average day at the bus station in Beijing.

It is important to note that in China there are no lines. So in order to make it onto the bus you have to push and shove your way to the front and then board the bus if you can make it on.

Many train stations will have a VIP section that will allow travelers a 2 minute head start in getting to the train and board quickly.

Damn, Chinese folks sure are fast.

But hey, if you're slow, you'll still have space...
On the Outside:D

2007-04-15T20:00:00.000+08:00

Sorry for making certain people worried!! Crisis is over and I'm happy like bird

Loooook! Henry Mummy gave me a diamond ring thats actually a wedding band. And I was like Woah! Said that its an engagement ring (Flies into the sky) and Oh my gawd gawd gawd. It isn't exactly like this one cos there's diamond *bling bling* in the middle and there's like this flower with leaves and effing hell I'm delirious now.

To patch up for the misunderstandings we decided to have a nice long talk and I was smiling my way through pretending that I wasn't sad & the choice for breaking up was final until the end when we decided it could just end with a nice warm hug(: and I love Henry Ng. & before I reached his house my heart was pumping so furiously I thought it would just make a perfect bass for heavy metal. & in the end we hugged together so tightly at night like the moment wouldn't last and alas, I cried. Stupid right? & Baby you were so 甜 you hugged me soooooo tight and said you love me:D &&&& we just had dinner @ Sakae! Visa Minis are so sexy, Robin! Xiexieni & Leonard & Uncle for helping me on the day Henry went crazy! It's like so freakingly greatly appreciated!

Whoever said Friday the 13th = Black Friday? I had a miracle on th day itself, sexy!

----------------------------------------------------

VIDEOS YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH.

#1: How to eat Sushi [damn stupid]

#2:HOW TO JIO JAP GIRL

2007-04-12T17:21:00.000+08:00

You caught such a huge grouper, and was so excited to show me how big it was. Its so sweet, of you having to buy chocolates for yourself but in the end I'd be the one eating all of em. I hope we can just all cool down, and rethink about this relationship. Happy five months, with a huge fight 6 days later. I'd been too impulsive, too selfish to put myself in your shoes and think about how you feel. We didnt try to understand each other well enough." 给我你的爱" you haven't sung me that song for a long time. The first time you did, we were in a pub. The second time you did, was when you were holding my hand. I know, after a while I did seem to fade away slowly from all our passion, but I still loved you, and I hope you will never doubt that.

In this cab, on my way home. I noticed so many things I thought was commonplace in our lives. Like I've been taking them for granted. Like they werent of any significance to me. Like it wouldn't affect me in a chain reaction. I'd never noticed the place we used to fish had such magnificent scenery. That giant ferris wheel, the first time We went there, it was not even half done. Now, the wheel has already been completed. But we wouldnt be able to take the wheel together, would we? I miss you already. Cool down period is taking too long. It's taking my life. I love you, baby, you'll always be my dearest 大便头:D i Love you/

我依然爱抱着你的感觉.

~~أحبك الى الأبد هنري [I love Henry]~~

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.
And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...
Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.
You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

You Are a Drama Queen (or King)

And the oscar goes to... you!
You're all about overreacting and just plain acting.
You see the world as your stage, and give a great performance.

And while you're friends may find you entertaining at times...
Everyone's secretly hoping that you'll just chill a little.
(But they'd never tell you - they fear your wrath!)

Are You a Drama Queen (or King)?

Your Gluttony Quotient: 92%

Wow, you really can pack in the food. In fact, your gluttony is quite impressive.
Now go treat yourself to a snack. You probably worked up an appetite taking this quiz.

How Much Gluttony Do You Have?

You Should Weigh 185

If you weigh less than this, you either have a fast metabolism or are about to gain weight.
If you weigh more than this, you may be losing a few pounds soon!

How Much Do You Weigh?

<br>

You Are Running on 82% Adrenaline

Your Adrenaline Level: Very Dangerous

Life is passing you by so quickly, you hardly can notice what's going on.
You definitely need to slow down before you crash hard!

Are You Running on Adrenaline?

2007-04-10T22:05:00.000+08:00

If we banged on the door so pitifully until your knuckles hurt, it still wouldn't heal those wounds, even if by degrees it would have evolve into a scar only too deep to be forgoed by the picking of the eye. But don't mock at misery for he who jest at scars never knew a wound.

We don't care.

That's just about sums up everything there is to say about drugs and alcohol in the lives of kids that had such potential.

It doesn't matter if it screws up our future. We don't care that it ruins our so-called potential. The only thing that really clicks with us is now. Well, maybe we do have other concerns - like not getting caught by the police (who, I might add, seem to be quite oblivious about just how many people are getting stoned during school hours).

We haven't much guilt about lying to have things our way. As for parents and other supposed authority figures in our life, they only control us to a certain extent. And their power is a thousand times smaller than what these authority figures think it is. We steal, we shoplift, we vandalize, we get drunk, we get stoned, we skip school, we lie and we cheat. But it's what we don't do that best characterizes us: We don't care.

We party until the music and booze are gone - or until we've passed out. Then we phone home and ask to sleep over at a friend's house. Sometimes we get there, sometimes we don't. It really doesn't matter one way or the other, as long as we have our fun. The night is considered a success if we manage to avoid the intervention of suspicious parents or the police.

We will not listen. And even if we are forced to do so, the message will go unheard. We don't care - get it?

Teachers try reaching us with classroom television programs and guest speakers who are former junkies or alcoholics. Give me a break. Don't you know that we laugh at these appeals? Don't you know that we're an apathetic generation living in an indifferent era? You cannot influence us with your simplistic strategies. The more you try, the harder we laugh. If nothing bad has happened to us yet, it doesn't concern us. The only thing that matters is the present.

It's true that not all young people are like this. But here's a news flash for the parents of 'straight A' students, football stars, and other good kids who hang out with nice people: They're doing the same things on the weekends as those who don't quite fit the clean-cut, wholesome image.

What I say might sound cynical. And it certainly goes against the perception that some adults have about teens, that we're all happy, school-spirited people, and that only a small percentage of us consume alcohol and drugs. These views are based on misguided polls no doubt intended to ease the public's fears about rebellious teenagers. As if many of us are actually going to come forward and say, "Hey, yeah, I love getting drunk on the weekend with all my friends, so why don't you take down my name, inform my parents of my CCA, and sign me up for a girls' home. Thank you very much for the insightful information. Now, I think I'll just join up as a volunteer at the recreation centre." Not likely. This scenario didn't happen, and it never will.

You can throw us in homes or put us in jail. You can bring us to court until the sun doesn't shine. You can try to help us all you want. But in the end, we'll figure things out on our own. Until then, leave us alone. We will party, drink, smoke, wreck, break, take drugs and laugh. You cannot change us. We will not let you.

Back in the 1960's, a young man committed a horrible crime in a New York City park. An old man was resting on a bench reading a paper, and a 16-year-old boy pulled out a huge butcher knife, and stabbed the man about 130 times. When the police finally pulled the boy off the body, he was still stabbing him. They arrested him of course, and they tried to find out why he had done this.

For the longest time the boy wouldn't say a thing. The police finally said to him, “Look, who was this guy?” He said, “I don't know.” They asked, “Well, what did he do to you?” “Nothing.” “What did he say to you?” “Nothing.” They said, “You mean you just went up to a total stranger, who didn't do or say anything to you, and killed him?” “Uh, huh.” With disbelief they asked, “Why did you do that?”

The boy said, “Do you really want to know? I've got an older brother, and he's really smart, and he's a great athlete, and he's good looking and he's talented and he's everything I'm not. My mother keeps on saying, `Why can't you be famous like your older brother?' and I know there's no way that I'll ever be famous by being talented or smart or anything else. I just figured if I can't be famous that way, I'll be famous some other way. So I thought of the worst possible thing I could do and I went out and did it. At least my mother will remember me now…”

Outward Signs Of Hurt	What the Bible Says
1) Withdrawal, communication breakdown	Proverbs 18:4
2) Ungrateful attitude	II Timothy 3:2
3) Stubborn, sulky attitude	I Samuel 15:23
4) Openly rebellious	Isaiah 14:12-14
5) Bad company-Needs other rebels for encouragement	Philippians 3:17-19
6) Heartily defends wrong actions	Galatians 5:19-21
7) Points finger to condemn others	Romans 2:1
8) Mood extremes	Job 10:1

2007-04-08T18:50:00.001+08:00

Ah, so innocently sweet.
TODAY POST=RANDOM.

sjw (: says:
what are you going to be when you grow up ?

Healed But By Regrets/ says:
A KUKUNUT!

------------------------------

Anyway I viewed The Dove Campaign web. Not bad.

2007-04-04T22:09:00.000+08:00

Today has been a wonderful day. Guy applying his "wit" -to check those yummylooking boring girls that are like everywhere on the streets- out, if not just leaving their/her face(s) with not just a tinge, but a whole truck smack of disgust. That is what happens when you look like a freak + you have a slightly grumpy and displeased GF by your side + A few unruly stares here and there. If your intelligence isn't as of a certain standard to know that this is meant to be provocative, I shall then carry on with my words to express my disgust and disappointment in your severe drop of standard. Had there been a baseball bat right in front of me, I doubt we'll be home peacefully without reeking of the musty stench of clotted blood vessels and the nasty taste of some haemoglobins on the tip of your tongue. Fucking pissed I tell you.

Not to mention the worst of em all- Shopping. I've finally and THANKFULLY realized how feet-hurting and cash-squandering can lead to so so so much Physical and Mental disorders. Had there not been shops with the soft plushy seats i could have died right there on the ground. Hunting for an area of solace for my feet and half beaten out body proved to be one of the most tedious task on the whole damnable universe when you're just starting to feel all your adrenaline actually running on low fuel.

He said "Hun, don't worry cos' everything will be fine tomorrow." A sweet, nice little encouragement. But infidelity came running in all directions like its gonna bear right through my skull all so lethally. No thank you, I'm definitely stuck on *H but *M is coming too fast all of a sudden, and although no, he doesn't make me feel like I'm on a Sugar rush, nor does me make my pores open and send shivers down my spine. & definitely I CAN NEVER imagine having to make slow sweet love to him. Maybe our time is gonna be up soon, or maybe we're just going through the rocks. In any case, you wouldnt care. Would you? Well, Ive learnt to fuckcare about all our Five months too. Im just into your love, nothing else. You wanna do anything about us, whatever. Just love me like how we are now.

~Quoted from "Together at Home" by Dean & Grace Merrill~
"Good Friday is normally a school holiday, and often the adults are off work as well. If
so, try having a Galilean breakfast -- outdoors if possible -- with broiled fish, eggs
, juice, and bread (or hot cross buns). Invite a neighbor family to join you, and finish by
reading John 21 together to show the source of your ideas. (Easter morning is too busy
for all of this but the free Friday is just right.) Talk together about the name "Good
Friday". Does it fit? Should the day be called Dark Friday instead? Why not?
If your church or community has a Good Friday service, take time to attend it as a
family. If it's a noon-to-three service built around the seven last sayings of Christ on
the cross, you'll probably want to go for just part of the time--but before you do,
write a list of the seven phrases. You and the children will have to consult all four
gospels to find them, which will be a research hunt. Then note which phrase is being
featured at the point you enter the service. Or if you stay home, write personal notes to
Jesus (i.e., prayers) thanking Him for suffering for you. Once they're written, perhaps
your children would like to copy theirs into the flyleaf of their Bibles, adding the date.
This can be a sobering way to encounter the death of Christ on our behalf.
Above all, don't make the mistake of letting "Good Friday" come
and go as just another ordinary day."

Okay get it? Alright. Laptop has gone outta its short lifespan. Adios All.

2007-04-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

快乐五个月!!

2007-03-30T18:33:00.000+08:00

CHECK THIS OUT.

http://www.digitalpablo.com/samples1.html
and
http://www.worth1000.com/cache/gallery/contestcache.asp?contest_id=2341&display=photoshop

It's so amazing. Anyway, I spent some time editing pictures from Bel's big day, but still there are some that Im not gonna post (!!)

For the Fellow-Cam-Whorer

Yay

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEL! You can officially drive a tractor! (Why must it be a tractor, I don't know) Marche was greaaaaat. Especially with it's cozy deco & stuff.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Went into this shop, it's like so darn cool, there's like lots of dog stuff, oops I meant stuff and I was like "Oh man, this is the coolest shop ever! I mean, I didn't know you could like totally use dogs as staff and walking models simultaneously. Hmmm, let's just name Doggy M -- Mi-Sty(Oops dont get me wrong, I totally meant Mee-Stai) & I just asked her " Hi, excuse me, but does your shop personalise dog chains?", and she was like, Erm, I dont think so. Oopies darling, that's such a waste since I was feeling rather generous and was thinking of getting Personalised Chains for you and your darling "mates". LOL.

2007-03-27T21:59:00.000+08:00

This is a Photo Post!

Jingyi did this. So bad.

Welcome to the Aisle of Dogs

Me & baby, th edited version.

Merry Xmas'06

Jing Me
Bang Bang.

I love editing photos when I'm just so darn bored.

------------------------------------------------

Now for the serious part. I think I'm seriously gonna consider column writing or novel-writing as a career. & I took so fucking long to draft this out cos' Im not exactly religious. Darn it. I hope its still alright though. & its dedicated to someone dear to me, but I've already lost him.

---------------------------------------------------
I was passing over into a different sphere. My soul was disconnecting from my body with a hum that kept growing louder, rising to a whine as the vibration of death pulled me deeper. I noticed that there was a large screen before me. I was being drawn into a three-dimensional slide show of my life that played out before my eyes chronologically, while I experienced every part of it from all points of view and all points of understanding. I knew exactly how each person felt who had ever interacted with me. In particular, however, I was being shown in vivid detail exactly what my childhood was really like. The pictures flew past me, but I easily absorbed every moment, each one triggering an entire memory or a chunk of my life. So this was what people meant when they said, "My life flashed before my eyes." The closer I came to the end of my life, the faster the pictures flew past me. It was incredible! In an instant I had experienced the entirety of the fifty-seven years from my birth until the moment that I found myself dying on the couch and passing into the warm tunnel. Then the fast motion of my life rushing past and through me stopped abruptly.

Where was I? I was immersed in darkness. My eyes seemed to adjust, and I could see clearly even though there was no light. The darkness continued in all directions and seemed to have no end, but it wasn't just blackness, it was an endless void, an absence of light. It was completely enveloping. I swung my head around to explore the thick blackness and saw, to my right, standing shoulder to shoulder, a handful of others. They were all teenagers.

"Oh, we must be the suicides."

With a laugh, I opened my mouth, but before I could form the words, they came tumbling out. I wasn't sure whether I had thought the words or had attempted to say them, but they were audible without my having to move my lips. Then I wasn't sure if these other people had heard me, until the guy next to me responded. He didn't say a word to me. He slowly looked down at me and turned forward again. There was absolutely no expression on his face, no warmth or intelligence in his eyes. Suspended in darkness, he and all the others stood fixed in a thoughtless stupor. Second over from the other end of the line was a girl who looked to be in her late teens. I was coming to see that feeling that unvoiced ideas grew audible. I had an inkling that I was remembering a long-forgotten, natural, familiar skill that had been subverted by words, and I quickly grew proficient at this new way of gaining "ideas". But she did not connect with me. Her empty gaze, fixed on nothing, continued uninterrupted by my thoughts about her. She was just like the rest of them, staring blankly forward, with no concern or curiosity about where we were. They were dead, and so was I.

Suddenly, as if we had been waiting for a kind of sorting process to take place, I was sucked further into the darkness by an unseen and undefined power, leaving the teenagers behind. I landed on the edge of a shadowy realm, suspended in the darkness, extending to the limits of my sight. I knew that I was in a state of hell, but this was not the typical fiery hell that I had learned about as a young child. The word purgatory rose, whispered, into my mind. Men and women of all ages, but no children, were standing or squatting or wandering about on the realm. Some were mumbling to themselves. The darkness emanated from deep within and radiated from them in an aura I could feel. They were completely self-absorbed, every one of them too caught up in his or her own misery to engage in any mental or emotional exchange. They had the ability to connect with one another, but they were incapacitated by the darkness. I gradually became aware of the sounds of a kaleidoscopic flurry of voices, and I realized that in this realm, thoughts were the mode of communication.

Around me I could hear the buzz of thoughts, as if I were in a crowded movie theater with lights down low, picking up the sounds of hushed exchanges. Sitting next to me was a man who appeared to be about sixty years old. This man's eyes were totally without comprehension. Pathetically squatting on the ground, draped in filthy white robes, he wasn't radiating anything, not even self-pity. I felt that he had absorbed everything there was to know here and had chosen to stop thinking. He was completely drained, just waiting. I knew that his soul had been rotting here forever. In this dark prison a day might as well be a thousand days or a thousand years. I was sure that this man, like the middle-aged woman, had killed himself. I felt that I should be embarrassed that I was thinking these things in his presence, where he could hear me. As my mind reached for more information, I felt tremendous disappointment. I could feel and completely know about everything around me just by posing a question in my mind or by looking in any direction. The possibilities for learning were endless, but I had no books, no television, no love, no privacy, no sleep, no friends, no light, no growth, no happiness, and no relief - no knowledge to gain and no way to use it. But worse was my growing sense of complete aloneness. Even hearing someone's anger, however unpleasant, is a form of tangible connection. But in this empty world, where no connections could be made, the solitude was terrifying. Then I heard a voice of awesome power, not loud but crashing over me like a booming wave of sound; a voice that encompassed such ferocious anger that with one word it could destroy the universe, and that also encompassed such potent and unwavering love that, like the sun, it could coax life from the earth. I cowered at its force and at its excruciating words: The great voice emanated from a pinpoint of light that swelled with each thunderous word until it hung like a radiant sun just beyond the black wall of mist that formed my prison. Though far more brilliant that the sun, the light soothed my eyes with its deep and pure white luminescence. I sensed that the light could not (or perhaps would not - I wasn't sure) cross the barrier into the darkness. And I knew with complete certainty that I was in the presence of God. He was the Light, not just radiating light or illuminated from within, but he almost seemed to be made of the light. It was a light that had substance and dimension, the most beautiful, glorious substance that I have ever beheld. All beauty, all love, all goodness were contained in the light that poured forth from this being. But there is nothing that we are even capable of imagining that comes close to the magnitude of perfect love that this being poured into me.

Then God spoke to me. His words were excruciating: "Is this what you really want? Don't you know that this is the worst thing you could have done?"

I could feel his anger and frustration, both because I'd thrown in the towel and because I had cut myself off from him and from his guidance. And I'd felt trapped. I had been able to see no other choice but to die before I could do any more damage in life.

So I answered: "But my life is so hard."

My thoughts were communicated so fast that they weren't even completed before I absorbed his response:

"You think that was hard? It is nothing compared to what awaits you if you take your life."

When the Father spoke, each of his words exploded into a complex of meanings, like fireworks, tiny balls of light that erupted into a billion bits of information, filling me with streams of vivid truth and pure understanding.

"Life's supposed to be hard. You can't skip over parts. We have all done it. You must earn what you receive."

Suddenly I felt another presence with us, the same presence that had been with me when I first crossed over into death and who had reviewed my life with me. I recognized that he had been with us the whole time, but that I was only now becoming able to perceive him. Then I'd sensed his powerful, yet gentle personality, but now I could feel him so strongly that I could even ascertain his shape. What I could see were bits of light coming through the darkness, like tiny laser beams pinpricking a black sheet or like stars peeping through the blackness of a cloudless night. This light was unmistakably of the same brilliance as the glorious light that emanated from the Father, but my spiritual eyes were incapable of fully beholding it. My ability to see with my eyes was somehow linked to my willingness to believe. The rays of light penetrated me with incredible force, with the power of an all-consuming love. This love was as pure and potent as the Father's, but it had an entirely new dimension of pure compassion, of complete and perfect empathy. I felt that he not only understood my life and my pains exactly, as if he had actually lived my life, but that he knew everything about how to guide me through it; how my different choices could produce either more bitterness or new growth. Having thought all my life that no one could possibly understand what I had been through, I was now aware that there was one other person who truly did. Through this empathy ran a deep vein of sorrow. He ached, he truly grieved for the pain I had endured, but even more for my failure to seek his comfort. His greatest desire was to help me. He mourned my blindness as a mother would mourn a dead child. Suddenly I knew that I was in the presence of the redeemer of the world.

He spoke to me through the veil of darkness: "Don't you understand? I have done this for you."

I was flooded with his love and with the actual pain that he bore for me. In that moment I began to see just exactly what it was that the Savior had done, how he had sacrificed for me. He showed me; He had taken me into himself, subsumed my life in his, embracing my experiences, my sufferings, as his own. And so for a second I was within his body, able to see things from his point of view and to experience his self-awareness. He let me in so I could see for myself how he had taken on my burdens and how much love he bore me. And I knew where I had gone wrong. I had doubted his existence. I had questioned the authenticity of the scriptures because what they claimed seemed too good to be true. I had been afraid to really believe. To believe without seeing requires a great deal of trust. My trust had been violated so many times in my life that I had very little to spare. And so I had clung to my pain so tightly that I was willing to end my life rather than unburden myself and act on the chance that a Savior existed. He wanted to comfort me and to hold me, but we were separated by my responses to the lessons of life. He had been there for me all through my life, but I had not trusted him. As I watched from the Savior's perspective, his unique comprehension of my predicament was transferred to the Father. Out of the most tragic of circumstances springs human growth. They shared one voice, one mind, and the purpose, and I was deluged with pure knowledge. One of these spiritual laws is that a price of suffering must be paid for every act of harm. I was painfully aware of the suffering I had caused my family and other people because of my own weaknesses. But now I saw that by ending my life, I was destroying the web of connections of people on earth, possibly drastically altering the lives of millions, for all of us are inseparably linked, and the negative impact of one decision has the capacity to be felt throughout the world. My children, certainly, would be gravely harmed by my suicide. I was given a glimpse of their future, not the events of their lives but rather energy, and the character that their lives would have. By abandoning my earthly responsibilities, I would influence my children, my grandchildren, my descendants, to make choices that would lead him away from his divine purpose. There were people on the earth whom I would never meet who would be affected by my suicide. Because of the anger and pain I would cause them, my loved ones would be unable to store up the goodness that they were meant to pass on to others. I would be held responsible for the damages - or the lack of good - they would do while immersed in the pain of my selfish death. And I would pay dearly for it, since spiritual laws dictate that all of the harm, including lack of good, stemming from my death be punished by a measure of suffering. Even though I couldn't foresee the ripple effect my death would cause, I would be held accountable.

God himself is bound by spiritual law, and so there could be no escape for me. And I was shown that for me, the realm of darkness was quite literally spiritual time-out, a place where I was supposed to grasp the gravity of my offenses and to pay the price. But I had to ask, why me?
Why was it that I could see God while the vacant husk of a man next to me could not?
Why was I absorbing light and being taught, while he was hunkering down in misery and darkness?
I was told that the reason is willingness. When I first looked at that man and wondered if he had been alive during the earthly ministry of Jesus, the question showed that I was willing to believe in God, willing to believe that Christ had once walked the earth. And once I was willing to believe, I was able to see. Willingness and ability are the same thing. All around me on the dark realm were people of varying degrees of willingness, of understanding, of ability to see that Jesus Christ was there with us the whole time. I don't know if the others were talking to God as I was or if they were talking to other messengers of light that I was not yet capable of seeing, but I'm sure that not all of them were just mumbling to themselves. And I could see that my spiritual time-out could have lasted a moment, or it could have taken me thousands of years to progress out of that dark prison, depending on when I reached the point of willingness to see the light.

And what about the spiritual law that required me to suffer for the damage I had already done in life, up until and including my suicide? I was told that the debt had already been paid, that the sacrifice had already been made. Jesus Christ had experienced all the suffering that has or ever will take place in the life of any human born on this earth. He experienced my life, he bore my sins, he accepted my grief. But in order for the agony that Jesus endured on my behalf to count, in order for him to take my place in fulfilling that spiritual law, I had to accept his gift. My heart broke as I realized that I had been not only hurting my family, who are beloved children of God, but also causing my Savior, who had such all-encompassing love and compassion for me, to suffer - all because I had allowed myself to be molded by other people's weaknesses. Now my perception was shifting, and the darkness seemed to lift slightly.

When I first entered the dark prison, my vision took in only the things and the people in the realm of darkness. But once I had taken enough light in from God and Jesus, my spiritual eyes were opened to another dimension in the darkness. Now I could see that Beings of Light were all around me. Hell, while also a specific dimension, is primarily a state of mind. When we die, we are bound by what we think. In mortality the more solid our thoughts become, as we act upon them - allowing darkness to develop in others and in ourselves - the more damning they are.

I had been in hell long before I died, and I hadn't realized it because I had escaped many of the consequences up until the point that I took my life. But when we die, our state of mind grows far more obvious because we are gathered together with those who think as we do. This ordering is completely natural and is consistent with how we choose to live while we are in this world. Our time is but a heartbeat in the eternal scheme of creation, and yet it is the crucial moment of truth, the turning point. It determines how our spirits will exist forever, into both the future and the past. I was becoming less and less a part of the place of darkness with each particle of light that I accepted. I hadn't felt myself lift off the surface, but now I was hovering above the field of darkness, into the realm of the scurrying spirits of light. I could feel the urgency in the spirits who were scurrying about to do the work of God. I was then told that we are in the final moments before the Savior will return to the earth. I was told that the war between darkness and light upon the earth has grown so intense that if we are not continually seeking light, the darkness will consume us and we will be lost. I was not told when it would happen, but I understood that the earth is being prepared for the second coming of Christ. I looked down at the pathetic souls and realized that I no longer felt as they did. I wanted to live. Then the powerful energy source that had transported me to the dark prison returned to liberate me. For a split second a rushing sensation engulfed me.

The darkness sped past, and suddenly I was back in my body, lying on the couch.

2007-03-22T23:10:00.000+08:00

HIHO. This is gonna be a post filler.

Sudoku freaaaak

What to do in a Terrorist attack. (Gasp)

Camwhorers

What the hell

After months of pure insanity and non-sleeping-nights, my eyebags are getting a lil more obvious, a desperate cry from my face to force me to sleep more. Oh man, I don't wanna be a swollen-eye-bag hag like her. Better start using my Lancome facial cream and moisturiser.

------------------------------------------

Damn, theres so many things I wanna get for Christmas this year. Please Mom, I know you read my blog so yeah, note them down!!! (: zzZ

This Bvlgari Fragrance was released in 1995, but its great!

I so darn it like the monogrammed Gucci bags.

Balenciaga "The City"

Dolce is nice, but I kinda think it's not really underrated in that sense that I feel its not really worth the price. Material lusting kills. Prolly makes you wanna rob a back or something. I hate it! But I like Consumer Psychology(: Earn lots of moolah. Yeah yeah whatever.

----------------------------------------

Baby's gonna be gone for a couple of days at his good friend's chalet so I'm freeeeeeeee. I'm going to parkway to visit Mr Ng though, so ppl at parkway, start missing me. And oops, did I just mention that you can never get out of this mess you're in? You.Are.So.Screwed.

thetruthoftaiwangirls

2007-03-22T08:27:00.000+08:00

THE TRUTH OF TAIWAN GIRLS!

wahhhhh. cheat all the men feelings. The next day wake up chui le. HAHA

2007-03-19T22:49:00.000+08:00

Opps, too sad? :) But why am I grinning?

it doesnt
matter that its ur gf hu said tt to mecos i dunno her, she's nth to me
but it
was least expected,
to hear the words
coming out frm u too
i cant believe it
u must be grinning
to
urself now henry,
cos u've succeeded
in making me feel terrible

For the past 7 months since
the time
we broke
everyting
has being going on fine
until today, when i saw wat she
tagged...

You simply
said, " yes i do have the feeling that u were toying with me for
that 2
years. "

I just kept quiet and let the hot tears
continue to tickle
down my cheeks

we are not meant 4
each other
and
i've accepted it
tears no more....
i will not allow myself to drop another
tear again
because now i
noe its not worth it

Anyway the thing is i thought of quitting school a few days ago and wondered if i could just live on night class alone and get to o levels but I guess the idea is not really feasible, given the fact that I have no self discipline, well, moreupdates, soon. I hope.

2007-03-08T23:53:00.000+08:00

Thanks goodness it blown over so quickly. But don't take this for granted, it reflects the cracks beneath the surface. Passion has faded, ever so slowly, mercilessly, sadly. I'm sorry and I know it's gonna be so unfair to you.

Here comes your bedtime story: mum & dad have sentenced you to life. Don't think twice; it's the only reason i'm alive. Look at all these buildings & houses. I love my life. i love my life. Hey now, slow down a minute. Take my arms & fill them full of life. Don't think twice. Does it ease the pain of being alive? Or is it why - why you keep nodding out on me?

Breathe in, breathe in, breathe out.

Another day, another major disaster

I love my life. i love my life.

You got a problem. I lost my keys when i stayed at your place. On the floor of your living room, you made the scene but it'll never get shown on tv. So tonight prepare to kiss goodbye to my lovelife.So get this right- i love my life; it's the only reason i'm alive. It's mine, all mine - as long as i don't forget to breathe.

Breathe in, breathe in, breathe out.

Corny i know, but you had better believe it. I love my life. i love my life. i love my life. god, how i love my life. That's right: you've got to fight to the death for the right to live your life. Alright: i'm gonna fight to the death 'til they give me back my life. That's right: you're in the land of the living but there's so few signs of life. Alright.

Breathe in. breathe out. breathe out

--------------------------

Whenever I was around those enthusiastic Christians, the conflict would begin. If you've ever been around happy people when you're miserable, you understand how they can bug you. They would be so happy and I would be so miserable.

This night I prayed for four things to establish a relationship with Jesus Christ which has since transformed my life. First, I said, "Lord Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for me." Second, I said, "I confess those things in my life that aren't pleasing to you and ask you to forgive me and cleanse me." Third, I said, "Right now, in the best way I know how, I open the door of my heart and life and trust you as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Change me from the inside out. Make me the type of person you created me to be." The last thing I prayed was, "Thank you for coming into my life by faith." It was a faith based not upon ignorance but upon the evidence of history and God's Word.

2007-03-06T18:11:00.000+08:00

How dear to my heart are the scenes of my childhood, when fond recollection presents them to view. The orchard, the meadow, the deep tangled wildwood, And every loved spot which my infancy knew. The wide spreading pond, and the mill that stood by it, the bridge and the rock where the cataract fell; The cot of my father, the dairy house nigh it, and even the rude bucket that hung in the well. The old oaken bucket, the iron bound bucket, the moss covered bucket that hung in the well.

The moss covered bucket I hailed as a treasure,f or often at noon, when returned from the field, I found it the source of an exquisite pleasure, the purest and sweetest that nature can yield. How ardent I seized it, with hands that were glowing, and quick to the white pebbled bottom it fell. Then soon, with the emblem of turth overflowing, and dripping with coolness, it rose from the well.

-------------------------------------

So why are you crying all over me now? I'm slipping away but you know you couldn't even hold me down forever. I've gone too far to turn back again, I hope you understand that things will never be the same but I'm okay, you'll see. Where are you going? Searching for me in the shadows? But the night is so dark and the future holds something better. I know it's going to be alright.

She used to hold me close
all she left was a memory
sometimes I can see the ghost
drives me insane won't go away from me

Oh tell me what I should do now. Cos' I'm stuck in between his love, and her desire.

2007-03-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

It's as though you've been slapped right in your face. But no, I'm not being literal here. I'm just referring to it as a figure of speech, if you get it. They probably ignored my angst, even though I had already used the F word, referencing a certain act that he might perform on himself.

----------------------

I was in the bathroom thinking about death tonight. It scared me--not the normal fright, the type you have as a child in which you have a major nightmare.

I don't think I've been that scared since I was a child. It's the unimaginable fear, not just of death, or how I'm going to die--those seemed small to me at that point. What was really scary was that I WILL die; nothing can stop it. It's like being on a train that has no doors; it's driving forward and you don't know where it'll crash.

It's like a speeding bullet. Does it matter if I have five years or 50 years left to live? No. It's the same result; nothing can stop it. It's not being scared of just not existing: it's Me, my mind, all that I know, the world that I see--it will all stop; it's frightening beyond anything."

Most of those fears had faded away. I can't explain it; I wanted the fear to go away so badly, but now that it's semi-gone, I fear the fear itself. It's there, just hiding behind the bathroom door waiting for me. I don't want to think about this anymore, but I know it's there waiting. It's there waiting for everyone. I so badly wanted to hold you, but even at that moment, I knew it would be futile as that doesn't stop what is happening.

Now...Dad's gone. I miss him terribly. He's been a part of my life. He's been the family I ever felt like I was a part of. I don't fit much on that other side. I know I never will... Superficially, maybe, but not really. I loved my Dad so much. There's so much more to tell. But this is just tearing me apart. I feel like I failed my Dad. The one person I spent my life without, but the one person I would have done anything for.

I need healing. Grieving in a way represents the final stages of one part of our lives, and at the same time signals the start of a new beginning. Grieving allows us to cleanse ourselves so that we can start a new part of our journey refreshed, energized, and a little bit wiser. The Universe has provided each one of us with all the necessary equipment to enable us to get through and over our losses.

Loss in any form, like any obstacle we encounter in life, represents real opportunity for each of us to challenge ourselves and to grow spiritually. Recognizing the opportunity will allow us to approach the experience as a voyage of discovery.

Look at me again with such disdain in your eyes.

The girl on top, yeah, she's my lovely lady.

2007-02-28T14:57:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling sad, cos' thats exactly how you're feeling.

2007-02-27T22:49:00.000+08:00

A short short Emo post, if you get what I'm trying to say.

Why I scanned the crowd looking for a familiar face as I followed the signs to baggage claim, I'm not sure. I needed to quit doing that. You don't know anybody in a new place, but suddenly everyone you set your eyes on looks exactly like someone you used to know, or something about his or her walk or her hair makes you think that person could be somebody you know. Or used to know.

You have to try hard not to be intimidated by it. I had got my best front out. Between the celebrity treatment and the climate, the cars and the temperament, the apprehension factor loomed large ahead. At the luggage carousel, I stood next to a passenger I recognised from my flight. Soon a few more joined us. There was this big brown box that was almost making it's tenth turn. I wanted to open it. What would everyone do? What could I get? Paranoia set in, when I haven't even started to notice.

Have you ever sat on the rooftop edge of a big building, your feet dangling over? What did you feel? I've always wanted to throw myself out. Not because I've actually wanted to die, but simply because pushing myself over seemed to be what should be done. It's hard to explain, though. The urge to touch priceless art. The urge to staple my own finger. It was an abandon box. A forgotten, unwanted box. I could offer it a home. I could take it off the endless carousel.

There were no words. I set it back on the carousel.

---------------------------

They still wouldn't heal. In the john the lighting is good, you realize. You have been let into the club early, hours before others, by the boy who lets you go behind the bar before the manager arrives. Finish the dregs of your rum grotesquerie and lift your skirt. Look as closely as you can. Sit on the toilet lid and hunker yourself over. Decide to do over with your hair altogether. use your switchblade dry. hear the scrape. Put a booted foot on the stall door.

The outcome resembles nmange. Blood from self-inflicted cuts. From accidental slips over lip. And they are there, they are still there. Think of how they cling with life. Stand straight, done. Pull down your skirt. See the blood-speck covered lid. Wipe down your deed, flush. You go, out eventually into the Unknown, and you are desperately disappointed. You had heard as much. Nothing that comes through synthesizers can fix you, or give you your fix. Nothing here.

---------------------

SCHOOL WAS BORING, BY THE WAY.

2007-02-26T23:05:00.000+08:00

Hi. guess what? Some people are gonna throw in (or should I say invest) money into buying a car for me after I get my liscense. So sweet of them yeah, and I thought I'd been forgotten. Oh well, it's free. But I'll have to pay for my fuel, and all that lame stuff but it's better than nothing. However, I doubt I'd be able to keep out of accidents for the first year given my aggressive and wreckless disposition, read: Jingyi. But well, I should probably start car hunting soon.

Anyway, I've been thinking about some serious words for thought to blog about. And I hope and cross my fingers that Henry will never, ever have the time and patience to finish reading them. Because this is gonna be a post about someone, a very long time ago. & pronouncing his name is amost equivalent of saying something that is the most unpleasant of human nature.

Something in us prevents us from remembering, when remembering proves to be too difficult or painful. We are not entirely successful however, becasue the memory is buried within us, and influences every moment of our growth. Sometimes it breaks throught the prison and strikes at us directly and painfully. Is that how you feel now? These thoughts have been gathered in a pang of nostalgic memories, and the daggers that are striking at us seems to carry with them an infinite amount of remorse, or maybe even embarrasment.

I like you more than candy floss.
& the fct is, I REALLY like cndy floss.
I love you, always.

2007-02-25T20:09:00.000+08:00

Went to watch The Pursuit of Happyness with Henry and his 2 brothers, the 01015 shows. Kinda adoring this Midnight Movie Craze without having to bish and bash for a cab (like it matters) but anyway it was a nce movie afterall. Leonard brought us to the arcade there, & there were those machines there, y'know, the machines that you're supposed to kiap the toys and throw them in the hole to get the stuffed toys. Henry managed to get one for me. It's a Stitch holding a heart in one of it's hand. Just $1 and we got it.

Back to the movie anyway,

Gardner is the Father, while Christopher is the uber cute 5 year old son.

Gardner: Probably means there's a good chance. Possibly means we might or we might not.
Christopher: Okay.
Gardner: So, what does probably mean?
Christopher: It means we have a good chance.
Gardner: And what does possibly mean?
Christopher: I know what it means! It means we're not going to the game.

----------------

Christopher: Hey dad, you wanna hear something funny? There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!"

----------------

Martin Frohm: What would you say if man walked in here with no shirt, and I hired him? What would you say?
Gardner: He must have had on some really nice pants

----------------

Gardner: [about the spelling mistakes in the graffiti of a building] It's not "H-A-P-P-Y-N-E-S-S" Happiness is spelled with an "I" instead of a "Y"
Christopher: Oh, okay. Is fuck right?
Gardner: Um, yes. Fuck is spelled right but you shouldn't use that word.
Christopher: Why? What's it mean?
Gardner: It's, um, an adult word used to express anger and, uh, other things. But it's an adult word. It's spelled right, but don't use it.

---------------

Watched 3 movies this week already. Protege, Just Follow Law & The Pursuit Of Happyness. Gonna be so damn broke, whats more all the shows were $9.50. & I've already spent so much money on McDelivery, PizzaHut Delivery & KFC delivery. Too lazy to walk to Hougang Green to get food. Cooped at home, prolly just too obssessed with this new laptop of mine. Spending faaaar too much time on my Laptop than on Henry, until I almost forget about his existence :X

Four months, but it's still going on strong. WEEEEEE~

Let's see how much I love you.

2007-02-22T22:57:00.000+08:00

My dearest leptop is here. And im like blogging with it now. Not really used to it though but still, haha. And I totally dont understand why I cant log on to wireless with my router so whatever Im connecting to some other people's Connection blah blah blah/ Folks miss me man, haha.

2007-02-17T20:05:00.000+08:00

Hi blog. Another Near-Death-Experience.
This is gonna be a very picture post.

Look at the guitar on the right.
FENDER STRATOCASTER!
HENRY NG HAS A STRATOCASTER.

The idiot who caught a Grouper at Merlion -.-

XJAPAN!!!

Uber High sex Appeal + Jap Rock =
HIDETO MATSUMOTO.

---------------------------------------

Back everyone. Camping at Henry's house for like 3558769166 years already.
Valentines' day was FUNNNNN.

Wanted to go to Mt. Faber at first, so we went to Vivocity (Guess which Dog I saw? LOL)
Then we went to Toys R Us, Yeah whatever, I took another 3659371760 years to choose my bear. It's like ultra super big anyway, so we decided to go to Mt faber anyway, but I was like complaining about the humidity and I decided not to go, and he was kinda pissed but anw he arranged for a Private Transport to SENTOSA! So sweet rightttttttt. Hehe someone treat me to Pizzaaaaaaa, with my favourite drumlets!

Okay well anyway did you know that in Siloso Beach they actually have REAL beds for rent? At the bar, that's like uberly cool but the point is, we walked around aimlessly, barefooted mind you and henry was like wearing his new leather shoes and I totally dirtied them but like er, whatever. HAHA. Unfortunately there wasn't any transport back:( SO we had to call a cab for like what 430538361906 hours. And he sent me home and tata~ it was already 0030.

And guess what? He never had bought a soft toy for his Girlfriends. HAHA. The only time he gave Woofwoof(Thats a person, by the way) a bear was when he didn't like the bear some lame shit gave him so he gave it to her. Thats sad. By the way, is it possible to make love with someone when your heart is with another person? Well she did, and I bet she must be desperate for SEX. Too bad. You shall be stuck in the life of a whore, slut, whatver, I meant, a dog whore. Woops/

2007-02-08T22:06:00.000+08:00

My commonwealth essay. The unedited version.

The Bargain

The soft lilting music from the dull, cold and rusty gramophone spread gently across the church like a soft breeze lulling everyone into a state of serenity. Sometimes, the guitarist of the tracks would seem to be right in front of all of us, with his deft nimble fingers, coaxing beautiful strains of country music from his acoustic guitar. The music flowed like warm, soothing honey down a parched throat.

Losing this bargain.

It’s a wedding. No one realizes her tears, now glistening in her eyes, trying hard not to break free from the rims as she remembered the time she got married-out of curiosity, and the remnants of the love. The last glimmer of hope is gone. She covers her melancholy well. She looked all harmless on the surface. Her smiles were made of plastic- cold, hard and fake. She looked at the poem-printed in silver bold letters on a smooth pieces of wooden plank, with the couples’ initials and the date of their wedding, plastered on the wall of the church-with vexation.

“Today I married my best friend,
our bond complete, it hath no end,
we share one soul, we share one heart,
a perfect time - a perfect start.

With these rings we share together,
Love so close to last forever.
This special day - two special hearts.
Let nothing keep this love apart.”

She gave a silent sigh, doubting the naivety of this couple. She walked to the reception, being greeted by everyone at the table. “What a beautiful wedding!” one exclaimed. She barely lifted her lips to a curve, “Sure.” Apprehension coloured her words. She walked into the church. It was, indeed a beautiful wedding, but would it be a lifetime of love? That she wasn’t too sure, not just yet.

This bargain.

The other guests-men were clad in suits of crisp, concise colours and women were dressed in what they would call their Sunday best-looked at her. Her emaciated face, pale and expressionless. Slack sallow skin and cellulite draped around her neck in folds and fissures. Her gaunt limbs were shriveled, resembling dried twigs. She was once attractive, but as time went by, lines started marking their territories on her once delicate, chiseled face. The occupation of blackheads darkened her complexion that used to possess a golden glow, robbing her of any beauty she may have possessed.

Losing this bargain.

The church bells rang. “Wedding March” was being played by the gospel band. It was their moment now. The only one moment of their lives. She was sure that if there were to be silence, the only sound that could be heard would be the heavy pounding of her heart. But Elizabeth wasn’t the least gratified as she them walk through the open doors with synchronized steps. Applauses were heard after everyone rose from their seats to greet the bride and groom. It wasn’t a conventional wedding. It was a wedding with mixed traditions. The guests started throwing rice high up in the air-a Jewish tradition. As they walked down the aisle, the groom caught the sight of Elizabeth from the corner of his eye. He smiled, while her expression remained dull, unbeknownst to him. He was too engulfed by his beatitude to notice. He was, after all, getting married.

They exchanged their vows, never letting their gaze on one another slipped. The joy was almost infectious. But Elizabeth wouldn’t let that affect her. “I do.” And the rings were exchanged. Elizabeth thought to herself-that they might regret this after the novelty wears off.

This bargain.

She didn’t remember all of his wedding speech, just a paragraph that was dedicated to her:

“Elizabeth, you have been the only person in my life that has never left my side. I can count on you for anything, regardless of where you are or what you are doing. To know that there is someone out there who will do anything for you is the greatest feeling in the world. I never feel alone because I have someone who is ready to hold me up and support me in whatever I decide to do.”

He made his light-hearted speech while his bride made hers, the two lovebirds literally giving thanks to every single person they knew, though it was obvious that the groom had thank Elizabeth extensively. Still, it did not lessen her pain. Still, he was getting married.

Losing this bargain.

She suddenly felt disorientated. Like waking up in the middle of the night, only to find herself being stranded in a foreign island, feeling so lonely, so helpless. She was supposed to feel genuinely happy, wasn’t she? So why was she feeling depressed? The lack of such a positive emotion in her made her guilty.

This bargain.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When the bride and groom had finished their reception, he scanned the room for Elizabeth. He had not seen her for a few days now, except for the quick glance he had of her an hour ago, and he had been too busy with preparations for his wedding. Now he missed her. Then, at an empty bench, he spotted her, her body still facing the altar. He almost didn’t even remember her back view anymore. She must have dropped quite a number of weight, she looked so thin and bony, even in the covers of her linen clothing. She turned, and their eyes were locked.

He was looking straight into the eyes of one that should have possessed the greatest joy, but all he saw was an empty soul, devoid of happiness, probably even a tinge of lachrymose. Those eyes, the despondent disposition, swallowed him up like an overwhelming fire in winter. A faint flashback struck him: A wedding was too much for his mum to witness. She would remain bitter in the remaining years of her life because of her divorce.

Losing this bargain?

The groom walked towards Elizabeth in a tuxedo she’d never seen. It was his wedding suit. He gave her a hug-just a simple hug. No fancy presents, gifts or sugar-coated words. There was something in that hug that warmed both their hearts. He finally understood why his mother had been unhappy about the whole marriage. She didn’t want him to love her less, she was afraid, of being left alone to fend for her own once again. A realization dawned on her, that intimacy wasn’t necessary for one to feel love, and she finally learnt to let go of her only son, and learnt to let go of her fears of having history repeat itself, the fear of having her son to go through a divorce which tears every heart apart. A mother’s love was undeniably protective. It could almost be referred to be “sacred”.

She handed over the box which contained the paper crane she had folded for her son and his wife. She’d finally allow the tears of-this time round-joy stream down her face whilst explaining to them that crane symbolizes a life long marriage.

Not a losing bargain.

She lifted her head. They were silent, but she knew they felt what she felt. Love is hard work. But most of all, love makes it all worthwhile.

After all, my mother, Elizabeth, had already won this bargain of love.

2007-01-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

Hi I just wanna win Debate tomorrow.
Good luck to me.

I love Henry Ng the bloody idiot.
You better not make me miss dental tmr.
YOU BETTER BATHE WHEN I ASK YOU TO.

2007-01-22T20:28:00.000+08:00

And so, now the rift grows, the color of blood lightens, the ends of the roads reached. Too mush to bear, too little time to adapt. The mosaic encircling. Starts to change, blood stops flowing as the grip of the knife lessens, clotting into a beautiful rose petal. Rose of the Hurt! It sure is, with the needles in the shoes, needles in the back of the corset, writhing in agony, woe to me! One without needles, one without blood, achieved only by one way, the only rose, that kills the whole bed of roses. The most conspicuous- But the most deadly.

It's a wedding!

No one realises that the bride is bleeding no! The bride is really bleeding, wrists black from broken veins. Darling, she thought she had it all when in fact, she'd just lost it all. Feels like a Venusfly-trap, it is, flawless, harmless & beautiful on the surface, though it kills, and decepts. Bad shoes, bad hard shoes. Get pointe shoes now, change your soft shoes stand on your toes. Jump hard on them till it feels good, cracked nails, fractured toes. Bleeding. Your battle is won Valentine, will you be here again to share the blood?

Barely dangling by the chain, neck twisted, skin burnt in blacks, feel the scarred wrists! Welcoming punches onto the body, harder, harder, harder! Chain breaks, body away from the head, lips curve into a slight smile. Painful death is sweet death, any way around. Punching bags lines all this way around. Do you feel angry? Combat that then, grab your head by the hair, smack that onto the wall, until you feel your skull crack open, your brain juice
leaking, & that bloody piece of jelly smashed into pieces. Alternatively, get your kitchen knife, slide it up and down your wrists, gently but forceful enough to reach your bones. Smile that it hurts so bad, deftly, chop it off right away.

As I sit here starring at my scars I think living life is like living hell. My scars are like questions that I could only answer. I don't cry tears any more, I cry blood.I'm tired of lies that life holds and things that don't make any since. Once my life is over my life is complete.
My memories are painful giving up is my only solution. I cant move on with the future when I'm still with the past. I can't believe any of this is real. Every thing I had is dissolving like the pills I take to make the pain go away. I'm trying to escape my life, in away I didn't plan. I don't know how this happened. Life goes by so quickly to a point where I close my eyes and say good bye.

Life is never good for me and this is what I wish you'd see.
Just let me end it all for I'll be happy in the end, I'll finally be free.
Free from all the pain and torment and the never ending battle.
No more dealing with the arguments and tears, Id finally be through with it all.
You just don't seem to understand that by keeping me here your making it worse.
If I were dead and gone by now I'd be happy, I wouldn't have this life, I wouldn't have the curse.
I'm already considering doing this even without your consent.
I know for sure that once its all over with my heart will finally be content.
So here I am just sitting there, on my bed with a knife to my wrist.
Please everyone don't be upset, please don't be pissed.
You just need to know I love you all but couldn't handle it anymore.
Ok here I go, Im doing this for sure.
Just tell my baby I love him and Im sorry I couldnt give him one last kiss.
Tell everyone I love them and that Im sorry I had to go so soon and leave them all behind.
But I just needed to end it all and start a new life so happiness I could find.
Know that I love you and always have but I need to think of me right now and so I said goodbye.
Be happy without me and know that I'm somewhere good, somewhere up high.

------FOR MY MUM & DAD------

The loneliest thing I know
As I sit recalling the past
A lost little girl all alone
Wishing for peace at last

A big smile and bright brown eyes
Was how my secret safely slept
I did good hiding the depression
Locked in my room while i wept

I was invisible to my mother
Lost because acquaintances weren't true friends
But the saddest thing I recall
Was wishing for the end

The loneliest thing I know
Used to be myself
And I probably wouldn't have made it
If my friends hadn't helped

My dearest daddy 'I love you',
I think of you each day.
I feel your arms around me,
that's how I get through my days.

Your looking down upon me,
to guide me on my way,
but its very hard without you,
each and every day.

People always tell me,
the grieving will subside.
But how can it get better,
without you by my side.

No matter how hard they try,
to help me with this pain,
I am all consumed by thinking,
It will never be the same.

I know one day we'll meet,
in the Heavens up above.
It's the one thing that helps me,
to never forget your love.

My dearest Daddy, I love you,
Your with me every day.
I will keep this love within me,
until that beautiful day...

-----------------------------------------------

Let's grow morbid together, with out lost of our precious ones. I still love her so, even after all this shit. I'd lied to her, on the sole reason that I didn't want her to leave me. How do I live without you. Don't leave me now, don't leave me ever again, I need you here by me. Girl I never wanna have to see you go away from me.

28/4.

2007-01-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

The Emotions are running back, boring through our skulls, would someone realise that those images are there just to disillusionize us? The distance is growing, someone, pull them back! But no, we're all horrified by this sight alone, no will, no strength left to pull us back. Yes, probably, you want someone to use you, you want to know that you are still of use to the one you belong to. You wanna know your value, but after a few moments, you'll realise that no one will be there to evaluate you. You'll be disseminately conspicuous in the throng of people trying match themselves to the highest values that could be found. Among these, deception, betrayal, love, hate, internal struggles set in. Nevertheless, everyone continues, waiting for a day to be finally labelled, and loved.

You would know it would be easy if we could all figure out one another with just one glance. But if you could see what I see, there wouldn't be anything left for us to find out about one another. However, there's no more tenderness left in anything that we can see, in anything that we possess. You wouldn't know what you've got until it turns its back on you, leaving for the other pasture where the grass would be so much greener. We're stranded on an island! An island of irony, of lachrymose, of silent killings! Help us, though we know we'll never be saved, as we said our last silent prayer, and sang in the gallows. Be my valentine, my corset in place, my rose red lips ready, the last of touch, my ballerina shoes-not realising the amount of needles placed intentionally in it. One step, my toes bleed. I'm looking down upon it. Relished the pain, it doesn't feel nice, but I'm liking it. The smell of blood. Dipped a finger into it, oh, it's too bloody. " You have such nice, beautifully red blood" Valentine said. Together we sipped the blood, momentarily leaving the silence of dawn behind.

2007-01-17T22:36:00.000+08:00

Okay I better blog now. Or else I'll get more and more complainsss. & I have only 5 minutes left to tag. Actually what happened this few days are like negatively mundane. You knowthe usual, no life school "life". Yeah. You wake up go to school in the cab, flagraising get to class, lessons for a million hours just for half an hour of recess, after recess another millions of hours of lessons before you get to go home. & after lessons head to Henry's house when I'll start on my journey to finish watching all his DVDs and falling asleep halfway. && I think the Movie "Saw 1" & Saw2 niceeeeeeeeee. & I spoilt Baby's DVD controller, erm, I couldn't wake up today when I had already set 5 alarms, and erm, my Boyfriend's a bigger pig then I am?

Oh yeah Im starting to like talk to Whye Hong again. && it's kinda sad cos' what he's facing now is like what I was facing when we first met in the hospital. It's like I was there cos of depression & You, this silly boy visited me when I was in Mount Elizabeth, and when I was in NUH. SO touched. You came with a bear, chicken rice and a hug! Thats sweet. &&& well, don't be sad, you've still got us(: Always!!

2007-01-11T15:43:00.000+08:00

It's been damn long since I blogged. Ran out of Emo-Engines. Whatever. School is boring. I love studying. I'm bored. I'm cold. Sorry! Okay. Yesterday was a bad day. Well, at first. I went to school, headed to sick bay at 10am, Baby came to school to fetch me home and 11am. Quarrel, cry, ah, the usual. Both of us went to meet my Mum, ate lunch, went to Hougang Polyclinic. Baby went home to sleep, after seeing a doctor my Mum went home too, and I went to Baby's house. Baby talked to me for about an hour. Cry cry cry. Henry is sensible and mature. Oh well.

Since when had my life land into such a sorry state, its like, so mundane and BORING.

Alright I shall update you guys about me standing in the rain for an hour when I'm back from mugging with JINGYI DARLING at Kovan.

2007-01-02T21:07:00.000+08:00

Alright, Im back from Hiatus. Am I being missed?
A picture from Celebrations of this festive season.

Oh man, somebody tell me to stop acting cute & forcing my drunk Boyfriend to take photos with me, && someone peed in the bushes with 3 ppl waiting for him. TskTskTsk. &&& Henry got drunk and was like talking nonsense. HAHA.

I miss Jingyi darling. OMG can we sit together next year pleaseeeeeee? I promise I won't bang my head on the table until Ah Kay sends us out again? Can? Can? Okay, Baby's treating me to Sakae Sushi soon, cos I don't wanna eat Swensens, HAHA. Wah, tmr School again. Damn it. I'm like gonna be a nerd. FOR 8 POINTS L1R5!!! Must prove to everyone I can do it. LALA.

------------------------------------------

Alright at 00:00 1/1/2007, No life Baby & I were playing computer games. "Happy New Year Baby," Brings about a reply like this- "Yala Yala happy new year, I playing game, Don't disturb" -___- Wtf right? WTF RIGHT? & My Stupid Boyfriend snatches the computer with me. Yah yah yah & The two stupid idiots slept until like what, 5pm. Weee~ Stupid. & we slacked and slacked and slacked. 9+pm Baby's mum asked us all out to eat dinner! Oh yay. Argh whatever. Afterwhich we(Baby, Robin & I) decided to go fishing!!! So we were like thinking and considering which place would be nice to go fishing, or prawning. So we headed down to Pasir Ris first, & it's like, fucking lame? Like fishing in a fish tank, stupid. So we took a cab to Bishan, cause I was making noise & at Bishan there's FOOOOOOOOD, lots of FOOOOOOOOOD. Oh yeah. we went. Robin caught the first prawn. & the 2nd, and the 3rd & the fourth, & the fifth. Baby caught the sixth one. Me? I was so different from them. I killed two prawns by shaking the stupid net thingy. & I freaking hell scream when Henry Ng my DEAREST IDIOTIC Boyfriend attempted to put my hand into the tank of crabs. Asshole.

RAAAH, back home, Computer-snatching goes on again.

2006-12-29T17:17:00.000+08:00

I AM LAZY TO BLOG, OK?

Random Colours

2006-12-26T19:07:00.000+08:00

Boyfriend is a total idiot cos' he's at his MotorBike Practical & I'm stuck at home. Don't worry this isn't gonna be a Emo post again (I hope). Well last night was sweet, lying on his chest talking about lots of stuff until around 0530hrs Henry was dead sleeping. & Ng kok Aik Henry! You don't need to set until 4 alarm clocks right?! HAHA also no use, I still can't wake up on time.

I think Boyfriend's gonna go another pub for New Year's Celebration. URGH.

Walao, I have no idea why I can just spontaneously blog with so much depth sometimes and get all random the very next day (Refer to today & Last night) Weird lah.

-----------------

The following is an essay I wrote in Sec2.

Colours:

Our world is filled with colours. The brilliant blue of the summer sky, the vivid yellow of a bunch of daffodils, and the soft pink tint of a seashell are examples of the many ways in which colour surrounds us in nature. We also use colour to add beauty and variety to our lives.

Colour is important to us in many ways. Bright, ”warm” colours such as yellow and red can have a cheerful or exciting effect, while a “cool” color like blue can produce feelings of calmness or tranquility. Colours make our life and environment more interesting and attractive; we enjoy surrounding ourselves with the colours in our lives.

The great variety of colour that surrounds us is usually accepted as commonplace, an everyday fact of life. Yet colour is anything but commonplace to some.

Colour has neither body nor substance; you cannot touch or feel it. The last time he saw the bright yellow colour of a sunflower was five years ago. A young, smart and promising fresh graduate. But one fateful night, an accident took his eyesight away from him. He was sent to the hospital and was to stay there for a long period of time.

His yearn to see colours again, it is like waiting for a storm in a drought-hopeless and disappointing. The only colour he see now, its black. At the start, he did not want to accept it. His cruel fate. He wallowed in self-pity, and filled with angst, he told everyone how he hated his dark, cold and harsh world. Soon after, he stopped talking altogether.

One day, he heard a voice. He turned, with his back facing that voice. He said:”Leave me alone!” The voice somehow sounded kind and sincere. “I am here to help you.” He did not believe, and did not budge. He pretended to sleep.

Day after day, that voice approached him, after the clock at the matron’s office stroke eight. It was a girl, a twelve-year-old girl whose resilience wore his not-willing-to-answer-attitude out. He started to respond, by just turning his back towards the voice, and listened to the girl pour her heart out to him. She moved closer and closer to him each day. She told him her name, she told him everything. He, too, started to open up to her. He learned that she was suffering from second stage cancer. She never did speak much about her illness. Instead, she would tell him about the colours outside the hospital window. The colour of summer, and he would reminisce about times when he was still able to see.

Three months passed extremely quickly, he was getting lesser and lesser visits from Alicia. Even when she came, she no longer possessed that bubbly and healthy tone when she spoke. She sounded really sick. And when she talked about colours, she spoke not of bright colours; she spoke only of dark, gloomy colours. He thought it might only be him being over-sensitive, and said nothing about it. Slowly, he was getting better and started to accept the facts in his life. He started to accept that everyone has their ups and downs in life, and that we just have to take things in our stride. He was planning for discharge with his family. They found him to be more cheerful, but little do they know that it was all the help of a young girl who was very, very ill.

He waited everyday for a week, but Alicia did not visit him anymore. When the nurse-in-charge fed him his meal, he randomly asked:“ Is there a patient here with the name of Alicia?” There was a momentarily silence in the room. It seemed so quiet and still that there was an awkward uneasiness. “She passed away yesterday. Before she died, she told me to tell you to be strong, and that she hopes you’ll recover soon and be more cheerful. The other nurses told me not to tell you for fear that it will affect your moods, but I feel that you have the right to know.”

He came to a realization that it was not he being over-sensitive when he felt that she was sick. It was true. And she was seriously ill. He felt that she helped him so much, brought him back to life, but he couldn’t help her, only being able to watch her grow weaker each day, and eventually leave him. He thought about their every single conversation, he was touched. He can’t help but choke on his tears. He was shocked. No wonder she wanted to help him. She did not have a bright future, she did not have a long life to go. He had a whole life ahead of him but he chose to deny his life, he knew he had to pick up the pieces, and live a great life. That one should not be affected by physical defects, but live life to the fullest.

Certain colours have acquired symbolic meanings because people relate them to familiar objects or ideas. People often associate red, the colour of blood, with courage as well as excitement and danger. Green, the colour of ever-renewing plant life, is widely considered the symbol of hope and life. Purple stands for royalty, because purple robes were once wore by kings and queens as a sign of their high rank. In many cultures, black has come to stand for death, evil, and fear of the unknown. White mostly stands for purity.

While his, although blind physically, has seen all the colours of life in his heart. Dejection, resentment, angst, and finally, acceptance and contentment. That is how he would define the word “ colours”.

Desert Rose

2006-12-26T00:13:00.000+08:00

I've been roaming to find myself, how long have I been feeling endless hurt? Falling down, rain flows into my heart. Life is lost, and flowers fall. If it has all been dreams, wake me up. Running against the winds of time, I wanna run away. I don't know how to set me free to live, my mind cries out feeling pain. I'm making a wall inside my heart, cos' I don't wanna let my emotions get out. It scares me to look at the world, cos' I don't want to find myself lost in your eyes. I tried to drown my past in grey, I never wanted to feel more pain. I ran away from you without saying any words. & what I don't wanna lose is love.

Through my eyes, the time goes by like tears. My emotion's losing the color of life, please kill my heart & release all my pain. I'm shouting out loud while insanity takes hold over me. The scream deep inside me reflects another person in my heart: All must be wiped out; Reality, Memories, and myself.

I'm begin to lose control of myself. My lust is so blind, destroys my mind. Nobody can stop my turning to madness, no matter how you try to hold me in your heart. Why do you wanna raise these walls? I don't know the meaning of hatred, my brain gets blown away hearing words of lies, I just wanna hold your love. Shout and start creating confusion, shed your blood for pleasure, & what? For love?What am I supposed to do?

I believe in the madness called "Now", past and future prisons my heart. Time is blind, but I wanna trace my love on the wall of time, over pain in my heart. Insane blade stabbing dreams. Try to break all truth now, but I can't heal this broken heart in pain. I cannot start to live, I cannot end my life.

I close my eyes, time breathes & I can hear it- All love and sadness melts in my heart. You can't draw a picture of yesterday, so you're painting your heart with your blood. You can't say "No", only turning the wheel of time with a rope around your neck. You build a wall of morality and take a breath from between the bricks. You make up imaginary enemies and are chased by them. You're trying to commit suicide. You're satisfied with your prologue, now you're painting your first chapter black. You are putting the scraps of life together and trying to make an asylum for yourself.

I'm breaking the wall inside my heart. I just wanna let my emotions get out, nobody can stop me from running to freedom. No matter how you try to hold me in your world like a doll carried by the flow of time, I sacrificed the present moment for the future. I was in chains of memory half-blinded. Losing my heart, walking in the sea of dreams. I can't leave my dream, I can't stop myself, don't know what I am anymore. What lies are truth? What truths are lies?

The art of life is an eternal bleeding heart. You never wanna breathe your last. I can't let my heart kill myself, still I'm feeling for you.

--------------------------

JING': Marc got great results sweetheart! & Yes we need to go shopping && yes MFG is desperate is like I found out she asked people to intro guys to her(!) TskTskTsk, so sad.

D-: Thank you sooo much. &&& I know who are you lorrrr. You still owe me 3 lunches and a dinner at Spageddies.

Pamela: Yeah, I'm sure things turned out fine. ARGH.

Clement: BYE BYE 24 TIMES.

anonymous: Cheered up, you are? Thank you soo much too.

michelle: Aiyooo, I using the 9038**** number lah.

SYLvia: Hey girl, thanks alot, Merry Xmas too!

nana: BYEBYEEE SIAOO KEEEE TOO.

Darrell: Hey! Didn't expect to see you here anyway, thanks. Haha, though I'd managed to make you feel better but I guess I'm sending myself down in the gallows of emotions. That is like, so contradictory.

weizun: Yalah yalah nagger. See you at Starbucks smoking! I thought you stopped smoking. Raah.

JELINE: Oh Hullo there. (: Thanks.

2006-12-25T14:30:00.000+08:00

23rd December:
Met up with Kheng Yang after like what, 3 years?! She's like so fucking gorgeous now. LALA. So we walked to Boyfriend's studio and I bought him lunch. &&& afterwhich we headed to Plaza Singapura and sat at Starbcks and slacked and talked for a while, walked around. & I decided to cook soup for Boyfriend, so the two 15 yr-olds went CARREFOUR to shop for vegetables and stuff, & we kinda got distracted by all the Christmas stuff, so we just kinda wasted 1-2 hours in the supermarket. THAT IS SO AUNTIE CAN.

24th / 25th December:
Whatever. Christmas celebration was kinda boring. In pubs for the whole time lah. Went to Jupiter to meet Henry's ITE friends and after that went to his boss pub, which is at Marina Bay, & I had a (fuck you) fun time watching Boyfriend being touched by some stupid blurdy girl there. Haven't they got any self-respect? Goodness. *Rolls eyes*.

Scene 1:
Girl walks over to Simon, Henry's good-looking colleague, flirts and gets so close to him, not realizing how disgusted Simon was at her. Gave him her number voluntarily, mind you. Goodness. Tells him that she's gonna book him before all the other girls do. Like, ZOMG? WTF? ROFLMAO!

Scene 2:
While I was watching Chris & Simon & Andrew play pool, this sickening flat-chested, totally chicken-brained girl came over to Boyfriend. Gets all touchy & I'm like standing there literally just GLARING at her? I mean c'mon, are you THAT desperate? LOL. Don't make me laugh. In his words, she was trying to teach him how to use the beer-containing barrel. HAHA, like, hello? My Boyfriend isn't as dumb as you you know? Even so, given the benefit of the doubt, I don't see any need for body contact, anyway.

Someone tell me why are there so many freaks?!

Well anyway, Boyfriend got me a box of Vintage chocolates which is like sooo sweet can! Oh yeah, and a bottle of fruit juice. LALA. & I cooked soup for him. Whatever!

IM GOING TO MY CHURCH'S MAD HAIR PARTY LATER!

2006-12-25T14:25:00.000+08:00

They say that if you can leave the past behind, and move on strongly, then it means that you're truly happy . (Courtesy of Pamela)

I guess that's right, to a certain extend.

Anyway, lotsa thanks to those people who accompanied me last night when I was at my lowest point. Namely Chick, Ses, JingXuan, AKK, Eng & not forgetting WeiZun, Jing(Love you most), Brandon.

I'm not depressed. I am not. Grace Ter Shan Chi, YES I AM STILL USING THE TOILET BOWL PHONE SO WHAT? Idiot.

YAY! Shisha here I come!

-------------------------------------------------
Crucify My Love; Estarás siempre en mi corazón. says:
last time is like everytime i'm the one bullying my bf lor

Your light will shine when all else fades.. says:
yea

Your light will shine when all else fades.. says:
PRECISELY

Your light will shine when all else fades.. says:
i think is after yu n derek break then yu become very submissive to your bfs

Your light will shine when all else fades.. says:
i don know why

Your light will shine when all else fades.. says:
...

Crucify My Love; Estarás siempre en mi corazón. says:
i also dunno

Crucify My Love; Estarás siempre en mi corazón. says:
maybe i scared i will lose them like how i lost derek?

-------------------------------------------------

Seems like it was yesterday
When I saw your face
You told me how proud you were,
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I wanna call you
But I know you won't be there

Some days I feel broke inside
But I won't admit
Sometimes I just wanna hide
'Cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?

There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much that I've missed you
Since you've been away
Ooh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try and turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do. And I've hurt myself.. by hurting you.

2006-12-24T17:02:00.000+08:00

Private blogging.....

Relationships are stupid. You know it. Full of love, lies, and dishonesty. Get it done and over with. I've said my piece.

2006-12-22T18:40:00.000+08:00

I'd be there to mend your jacket after the fight. I'd do all I can to find the thing you lost at Pasir Ris, I'd learn to ride a bike, I'd learn fishing, I'd learn to sit still on the bike, I'd learn to stop sulking. I'd give anything to just sit over the counter and watch you work, be it 11am to 11pm or 1pm to 11pm. I'd walk all over Kreta Ayer just to find your favourite chicken rice store and buy it for you even if I know I'm gonna get lost again. I'd stare and watch unfazed as you play your guitar. I'd sit still for once, I'd listen to you nag at me, I'd sweep your room properly this time round. I'll make my hugs turn both our worlds the right side up again. I'd promise to wake up on time when you have to work. I'll make you dinner everyday, I'll never show that black face of mine again. I just, wanna work this out.

You left me drowned in my tears, and you won't save me anymore. I'm praying to God you'll give me one more chance. I'll be there for you, these 5 words I swear to you. When you breathe I wanna be the air for you. I'd live and I'd die for you, I'd steal the sun from the sky for you, words can't say what love can do.

There's nothing left to describe what's left of this relationship. You looking back at me with equally uncertain eyes while I sit there, admonished, lowering my head to the obligatory level for penance. It hurts for the both of us, and we find solace in the hugs we share in between tears. But no one is stopping. Not this time. Everyone's too broken that we're just running away from this stupid thing. Nobody is trying to stop decimating this relationship. I love you, and you love me, why don't you realise that this is in fact, what counts? Why don't we stop this hurt? Why don't we just scream out the absurdity of the situation, the obvious facts that made this all painful in the first place, the first of which is, "Henry, you're hurting me"?

I can only answer by saying it makes sense to me now as it make sense to you now, in the retelling, but not in that moment. In that moment, I was so stunned by hearing what you said that correcting it seemed impossible. It was dream-like, I mean, nightmare-like, and maybe part of me felt like I was dreaming, I don't know.

But when you came and hug me, and you grimaced at my tears and mumbled, "Look at you"- and I don't know how to say it. It broke through my defenses. It had been a long time since anyone had been that close to me, to show the tenderness it took to wipe away my tears. When I lacked even the self-respect to keep myself alive, you wiped my tears and I fell back into being a human; I fell as easily as you fall into your pillow at night. And I didn't want it to end. That's the best way i can explain it. I knew it was impossible, but I still didn't want it to end.

"Stop crying."
It's just a sound really, a hum interrupted by open lips. But there are a zillion words on this planet, and not one of them comes out of your mouth the way that one does.

I know you know we've had some good times. Well I can't promise you tomorrow, but I know I can change the mistakes I made yesterday.

2006-12-20T21:39:00.000+08:00

Bad day today. Very very very bad day lahhhhh. First it was I woke up with swollen gums, was late for my exam(!), the exam was a killer- for me, and I don't really think I can do well anyway. Blah blah blah. Headed down to Boyfriend's house after the stupid exam, fell asleep while trying to wake him up. Stupid. Left his house in the evening, he went for his piano lesson and I went to the library. Read a Jane Stevensons' book.

Headed down to Plaza Singapura to meet James and whatever-is-his-name, ate pasta. Had a major disagreement with Boyfriend, quarelled, I walked off in anger, and yeah, I guess that made my day. It's the fucking first time I'm standing up for myself, and I'll never let myself give in to you anymore. Fuck.

Whatever, so random.

Everything that has a start has an end to it somehow. Things that we went through together keep coming back to me and make me smile again. Sometimes I wonder, everything that’s good in me I owe it to him. However true that is, the bad things that happened to me seemed to link with him too. I cant believe it. He’s gone from me. He left his lies with me, that gave me not a second of misery.

2006-12-18T00:31:00.000+08:00

Why am I crying when it's you whose hugging me right now? Why, even now when you're playing Canon Rock with your guitar just right behind me but you sound like you're just so far away? I'm feeling so enervated, you wear me out. What happens when you try your best but you don't succeed? When you lie on your bed but you just can't sleep. When tears come streaming down your face, and you can't replace the things that you lose? I couldn't help but to let myself enter this empty space of negative emotions, this space of melancholy. Where had the strong-headed me go? Why have I succumb to being submissive. Those eyes, am I looking at that of just a dear friend, or am I still looking into the same pair of eyes with all the warmth and love in the world? I wanna break down right here, right now, if only I could just hug you with all the time in the world and have my tears all over your shoulders, tell you the pain I feel inside, but even so, it ain't gonna work no more. I'm too smashed up / screwed up / fucked up to feel good anymore.

Is it really that bad a feeling? I'm starting to sink deeper into my thoughts. Am I really gonna stay this way although I don't wanna feel like this too? I'm sorry but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know if you're reading this. But stop wasting the time you're already wasting on me. You're out there, most probably talking to your friends about us, and I'm here, blogging about us, are we still gonna make it? I don't know, or rather, I don't want to know, or maybe even, I don't dare to know. I let down my guard, drop my defences, I'm learning to fall with no safety net to cushion the blow. Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you, or heal you. Anyone who can reach you, can love you, or leave you.

~~Everytime I see your face, everytime you look my way, it's like it all falls into place, everything feels right.~~ But it became a time when you left my life in disarray.

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try and get to you, you are my only one. I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do. So dishonestly leave a note for you my only one, And I know you can see right through me so let me go.

2006-12-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

I still CANNOT fathom why one man's misery is another's joke. C'mon lah, it ain't funny, when people get all depress and attempt suicide. God damn it, you guys should seriously slap yourselves for saying so much nuts and seriously, if you ain't got anything pleasant to say, then why don't you just shut the hell up? Do you get so much bliss in deriding others? Gosh if you do, you are sick, and as in severely sick in the mind. Alright, even of my nonsense spent on you people. CRAP.

P.S. The above is for the certain Sec4s'06 of CCHMS who had a Pri Sch gathering with a guy called Jason.

----------------------------------

Tsk tsk. Okay. Yesterday:
TAKEN FROM GOH JINGYI BLOG:
I met up with Bestie Yanting for tuition Ha got a lil confusion there at Serangoon Mrt, Managed to reach Marine Parade, less than half an hour late :) Ha And we went in, It was packed. Yes, so we had to sit all the way at the back where it means that We Won't Concentrate. I think Mr Ng knows that too, So yeah . Next time, We'll go there earlier and get back our usual seats.

Without Mr Ng in the class, it was -
Aircon + Backseats + No supervision = Camwhoring and chatting. Wahaha Yanting was like " Whoa we come tuition blow aircon and talk siah"
Great.

Honestly,I dontknw what the fuck we doing But it's all for fun lar.

You add me with Yanting equals Chaos.
Heh,I like :D

And then we went Shopping But ugh so terrible, We can't eat good food, Cos we've got sorethroat .
Best friend Disease Ha And that girl actually found Money on the floor. Hmm

Uh Huh. So i'll be meeting her soon, again :) Wonderful Heh heh.

2006-12-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

Damn, don't you just hate it when you haven't seen your lover for like soooo long and the first thing she does when she comes back from Cheena Island is she goes out with a guy called Marcus Huang Zhen Wei? I want to kill them! Stupid LoveNIAOs. I'm having a horrible migraine please kill me & I'll be like so grateful. Uhhh, my throat hurts like F.uck and I can't talk for nuts at all. &amp;amp;&&, clubbing itch is crawling into me *Hints at Henry & Jing Will someone lessen the itch? HEHE. THERE IS A PARTY AT DXO TONIGHT BUT I'M F.UCKING SICK AND I CAN'T ATTEND(!!!) Kill me, please. (:

-------------

Edited at 2330 hrs.

Oh Great, waiting for Mr. Boyfriend to come home from work. Someone's working Overtime today, so sad. Girlfriend and I are bitching now. Can we ever survive a day without having to bitch about almost everything? Haha. Alright I got this picture of Sayang from his Space and I think he looks cute for once.

Urgh, Sayang and I can't change same phone already! Some idiot retard Sales girl (Inside joke, Jing) has the same one, but of a different colour, I meant, a twit colour. Tsk tsk tsk. What the hell, there'd better be a sale for cell phones on Christmas. Urgh. RAAAAAH.

Bing Addiction- Jingyi. Tears & Vodka- Me

Bling Addiction says:
(:

Bling Addiction says:
yay i love u

Tears & Vodka; [婷&益] Tiet studio got one 大便头 says:
eeyer

Tears & Vodka; [婷&益] Tiet studio got one 大便头 says:
go and die

HAHA

Replies to tags:

JING`: You got as horrible as me meh? Fever 39Degrees sia! Can die. Then your stupid Boyfriend still say my brain burnt liao. TMD. You quit clubbing? Purposely wanna wait until after Vday right! Idiot. And Sorry lor, tuition got me means got noise. HAHA.

SYLvia: Hullooo. I'm going to tuition tmr!

Naye: Why thank you, who are you?

Chloe: At least it's settled now. Thanks.

Pamela: Yes I will you sound like a doctor -___-

brad: I will, if you take care of me! HAHA.

Clement: snoring is bad. idiot. come to my blog to snore.

2006-12-13T16:59:00.000+08:00

Reply to Tags!:

Max: Cos' of personal reasons(: Bet I missed out all the fun?

Huiming: Tagggggedd!

WANCHIN: You are what! LOL.

Benji-BenBen: Hellooooo

Chloe: Alright thanks. Did he say when? Cos' it's rather urgent.

Pamela: THANK YOUUUU (Identity Exposed)

JING`: hehe I KNOW.

Stefthyname: Thanks.

Getting more & more busy! Hustle and bustles. Next week's gonna be a crazy week. Have to start studying for retests. Be a babysitter and babysit my bloooody sister, open the door for the stupid StarHub person to do my LapTop. Go to Mango's sale, go to G2000 sale with Boyfriend. RAAAHHHH, get my $350 back!

Seriously, someone should kill desperate people on MSN. Don't they ever understand the meaning of "Busy, can't chat" ? Goodness.

2006-12-09T21:13:00.000+08:00

What do you do, when you've been treated unfairly? Do you grab your hair and bang your head against the wall in frustration? Or do you exert pressure on knife blades and let them slide off your perfectly-delicate skin? Maybe you'd even think of sobbing, maybe going hysterical and wet your pillows with tears. I'm done with none now. I'm just whamming this keyboard with spontaneous feelings of unfair treatment. I'm sorry I'm being totally emotional. But I need a break from you. Your selfish disposition, and my heartaches. Even now telling me you love me isn't gonna help in salvaging what's left of this. You can tell me you want to hug me to sleep so badly, and I'm still not gonna stop crying. I love you, yes I do, but I don't know how to get around it. No amount of hugs or kisses will help. No more nights we spend together will lessen the pain. I'm giving the cold shoulder, I'm sorry. I just need to cool down, and I'm rethinking about this relationship.

You're talented. You play the Violin, you play the Piano, you play the Guitars and you can even play drums. Although it has never been a problem in the past it's surfacing to me now that you can even play on the strings of my heart. But no, you've overstepped the border. It's so unbelievable and no matter how tightly I hold on to, I just feel worse. Save me from your engulfing love. It's suffocating me, and we didn't fall in Love the way we thought we could.

I hurt myself today to see if i still feel. I focus on the pain cos it's like the only thing that's real. The blade tears a hole and gives the old familiar sting. Trying to kill it all away, but i remember everything. What have i become? I wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair.It's full of broken thoughts that I cannot repair. Beneath the stain of time, this feeling disappears. If i could start again a million miles away, I would keep myself & I would find a way.

Replies to Tags:

clement: It doesn't matter cos' I'm free to go anywhere I want.

lcxy: Haha, precisely, although I can already club.

Chloe: Thanks lots.

WANCHIN: Cos' it;s your Fan Blog you idiot! FB = Fan Blog. Understand? Dumb Ass.

#dEadd`Wenn<333: Yes Siew Wen I remember you la obvious! I taught you how to do the back bend!

brad: Thank you sooo much for making me feel better! Love you loads!

It's never good to be submissive.

Okay I have something to be happy about now. Firstly, I'm getting my laptop reaaal soon cos' Mom the Wonderwoman got it for me already and it's 7.5mbps which is like super duper fast and it's wireless- meaning I'm going everywhere with it HAHA. & Henry Ng is getting me my Beanie-Beanie tomorrow which means I don't have to snatch Mr. Pink Colour Beanie Beanie with Boyfriend at night. &&& Boyfriend and I are gonna get matching phones! Soo cute, but he is getting it tmr whilst I'll have to wait till I become a rich girl, damn it.

2006-12-09T15:48:00.000+08:00

I finally found the web with all the nice Vintage songs.
http://rare-n-vintage.blogspot.com/
Pink Flloyd leh!

I miss somebody right now.
I dont watch TV these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
~~I have been in a threesome.~~
I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
~~I believe honesty is usually the best policy.~~
I curse sometimes.
I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
~~I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.~~
I'm totally smart.
I'm paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
~~I love sushi.~~
I talk really, really fast.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I can't survive without Caller ID.
~~I am usually pessimistic.~~
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar i have.
I have a lot of friends.
~~I am currently single.~~
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
~~I enjoy talking on the phone.~~
~~I love to shop.~~
~~I would rather shop than eat.~~
~~I don't hate anyone.~~
I'm a pretty good dancer.
~~I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.~~
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
~~I watch MTV on a daily basis.~~
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I've rejected someone before.
~~I have no idea what i want to do for the rest of my life.~~
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
~~I've called the cops on a friend before.~~
I have a lot to learn.
~~I have been with someone at least 10 years older or younger.~~
~~I am shy around the opposite sex.~~
I have tried alcohol before.
I have made a move on a friend's significant other or crush in the past.
~~I would die for my best friends.~~
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
~~I have used my sexuality to advance my career.~~
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
~~I watch Spongebob Squarepants and i like it.~~
I am happy at this moment.
~~I study for tests most of the time.~~
~~I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I've ever met.~~
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
~~I have more than just my ears pierced.~~
~~I have jumped off a bridge.~~
~~I love sea turtles~~
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
~~I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.~~
I'm proficient in a musical instrument.
~~I worked at McDonald's restaurant.~~
~~I hate office jobs.~~
I love sci-fi movies.
I think water rules.
~~I went college out of state.~~
~~I like hotdogs.~~
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can't live without black eyeliner.
I don't know why the hell i am doing this stupid thing.
~~I usually like covers better than originals.~~
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can't whistle.
~~I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snakes slither.~~
I have ridden/~~owned~~ a horse.
~~I still have every journal I've ever written in.~~
I can't stick to a diet.
~~I talk in my sleep.~~
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
~~I think climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.~~
I have jazz in my blood.
~~I wear a toe ring.~~
~~I have a tattoo.~~
I can't stand at least one person that i work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
~~I have been to over 15 conventions.~~
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I'm an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.

2006-12-07T13:56:00.000+08:00

Oh My Gaaawd. Goh Jing Yi is going to China until the 11th?! I'm really gonna effin' die without her man. No mood to blog nicely. No mood to get into a good mood. NO MOOD. & I still have to go to ICA to make my Identification Card,Cb. Thanks ar Baby, for laughing at me all the time cos' I don't have an IC.

CRAP. I miss Ab. Citrus. But after getting drunk the previous time round, I just feel like puking everytime I get a taste of it. DON'T ever drink Passionade Cocktail from Fish&Co. It's like, totally just Passion Fruit juice + Absolut Citrus and the price is rather insane. Whatever.

FUCK LAH. No mood to blog.

2006-12-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

First things first:

HAPPYONEMONTHTOTHISJOURNEYBABY♥

P.S.Check out this site :
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/43025356/
It's really funny & cute. Boyfriend's friend gave him the address.

Are you the kind of Girlfriend who's always sanguine and presumptious? Or are you the kind who's always apprehensive, self-effacing or unassured? After a short incident that had happened today I came to find out more about myself-that I'm becoming the latter. I have no control over what's that that's taking it's toll on me. It's a behemothic, montrous, capacious kind of force thats poignant and I can't do anything about it but to succumb to this emotion(?) builiding up inside of me.

More posts about:
Debit/Credit card kinda Love.

Stay tuned

Love in The Attic

Sorry I'm Back

Evil People Exist

HIATUS

Happy Chickens' Day

Hello Sarcasm

An Involuntary Consensus

Nostalgia (1)

Hideto Matsumoto 松本秀人

你比从前快乐-周杰伦

Goodbye, nevertheless.

The Guardian

YE' OF LITTLE FAITH

DATES

A couple of months to blast off

going against the current

My Eyes Love You, But My Heart Can't Love You So.

情难忘

(Empty)

HELLO EARTHLINGS!

(^o^)

Sorry

Vacancy & Fucking hair.

Overwhelming Melancholia.

RAAAAH

Its still you, Daddy.

ROFL MAOZEDONG

The Greatest Gift (A Tribute to Daddy)

Daddy, I miss you.

I'm a Hedonistic bitch. Are you?

You're back?

URGH.

New age & regrets

FUCKING RANDOM

Advertorial & An Emotional Post on a lighter tone.

I MISS YOU

UNFORGIVEN L.O.V.E

SCREW LATE-NIGHT CAB RIDES

Fragrant and luminous bliss awaits.

Fuck This Crap.

Outward Signs Of Hurt

What the Bible Says

thetruthoftaiwangirls

Random Colours

Desert Rose